Fantasy Football for the 1%

 

Of course, in this case 1% represents not only personal wealth, but how much of their soul is left inside their rotting husks. Charter members of the Lucky Sperm Club like Fox CEO Lachlan Murdoch and their COO John Nallen, Sony’s Ken Yoshida and Playstation’s Jim Ryan. Casey Wasserman, Mike Fries, Rupert Murdoch, Bob Chapek and the Mt. Rushmore of Cock Knobbery Musk, Cook, Zuckerberg and Jassy, to name a few.

As the rest of America celebrates our independence from the Velvet Covered Iron Fisting of English Royalty this Fourth of July Weekend, these over-stuffed cream skimmers gather in Sun Valley to wistfully reminisce about the days when you could cut a servant’s tongue out to keep them quiet.

Yes kids, it is time once again for Allen & Co’s Uber Secret Sun Valley Conference, and the company’s third generation CEO, the publicity shy Herby Allen III, has threatened to chop off the hands of anyone dumb enough to write about it. That would be me.

Other deep pockets expected to show up are Idaho’s Governor Brad Little, Spanx founder Sara Blakely, NFL stooge Roger Goodell, United Arab Emirates Ambassador Yousef Al Otaiba, Drug Dealer Albert ‘Pfizer’ Bourla, and my dusty old friend John Henry.

And what orgy of the rich and shameless would be complete with the media in attendance? Tom Brokaw is expected. NY Times ink-stained wretch Thomas Friedman, Washing Post’s David Ignatius, CNBC’s Becky Quick, Diane Sawyer, Andrew Ross Sorkin are all on the guest list too.

CNN is also well represented with Erin Burnett, Anderson Cooper and Van Jones all expected to show up to kiss the cock ring of corporate America. And incase you were wondering why a van load of underaged Asian sex workers was just spotted tooling down Rt. 75 south of Ketchum, Bob Kraft is also expected to attend and he’s ready to rumble.

Of course, these are just the people that have been invited, those in actual attendance is a closely guarded secret. Were terrorist to set off a bomb in Idaho this weekend the damage would be… well, sad for their families, but there is an endless production line of shitheels that would gladly step up and take their places.

And why should we care if these dilatants gather not five minutes from where Ernest Hemmingway swallowed his shotgun? Because this is the weekend where the deals get made. Fantasy Football for the 1%. A figurative and literal cock measuring contest. Big fish gobble up little fish, Snow Falcons swooping in to scoop unexpecting fat, full big fish out of the water, Ted Sarandos gobbling up anything that floats to bottom, as Bob Kraft hands out red Trump 2024 Caps and envelops stuffed with Yuan and Bon Jovi tickets.

No need to get into the Who Struck Johnny here, suffice it to say, if a major media deal does not get announced after this weekend, like maybe a Fire Sale where someone picks up Netflix for pennies on the dollar and tried to right the ship, that means even The Lucky Sperm Club are skittish about the future of the economy and we are all fucked, not just that van load of guest workers…

On The House

    The Pat’s are getting about 20,000 fans daily down at camp this pre-season, so I figured I had better go down and check it out before Bob Kraft wises up and starts charging admission. He’s going to need that injection of fresh cash to help him keep shoveling coke up the noses of the pelt to which he’s become accustom since Myra passed.
    We’re talking pre-season workouts, and not even real workouts; but those lame-ass, ‘don’t even look at the quarterback or you’re back on the bus to Penn State rookie‘, workouts. The only thing these camps prepare you for is an early season hammy that will linger until Easter. Even still, the Pat’s are getting so many fans coming to watch, they’ve had to replace the turnstiles at the gate with Matt Light just to get people into the stadium quicker.
    I stopped by the press area to see if there was anyone there who owed me money, but rightfully, they had the radio people shunted off in their own pen with razor wire fences and Stacey James manning the door (when he wasn‘t busy metaphorically knob-gobbling the national press). Interesting side note: they tricked the radio people into the pen with promises of five minutes alone with Mark Hannon, where you could either beg for a job or stick a Nike Vapor Pro up his ass, depending on your pride level. Naturally, very few Vapor Pros were needed.

    Like every other moth in the dump, I was drawn to light of Tom Brady over near the end zone, playing toss. He was wearing what we used to call ‘pennies’ in gym class, so the other players knew not to hit him, and in case that didn’t work; he also had two large black men in ill-fitting suits on either side and a personal Foxboro cop on stand-by, ready to shoot or talk your ear off about all the over-time he just got screw out of because the casino is going to Taunton. To be fair, the extra security was needed because the Pat’s are sharing camp with the Saints, and who knows how many of those bounties are still active.
    Also standing with Brady was former Red Sox pitcher, Tom House. House is now a quarterback ‘coach’ because… Well, I’m not sure why. House was the gink in the bullpen that caught Hank Aaron’s record setting 715th home run and then ran all the way to home plate to give the ball to Aaron. House had to dough pop then Dodger’s left fielder, Bill Buckner and step over the crumpled body of Al Downing to get there, but House made sure the historic ball made it to Aaron. And what did Hammering Hank, always the gentleman, give House for his efforts? Not one red cent. Of course, this was in the days before eBay, so maybe they didn’t know what the open market value of the ball would be; but Aaron might have cracked the wallet a little for the effort. Hell, he's toss the ballboys a hundred just for shuttling the hookers away from his locker when the press would come in for a post-game presser.

    Anywho, rather than find out; I’m going to take a wild guess at why Tom House is working with Tom Brady and predict that Brady will have his best season ever! See, House was also one of the first major league baseball players to use steroids back in the 70’s. He didn’t just use them, he took college classes to study the long-term effects of human growth hormones during the off-season. Now why would Bill ‘Any Competitive Advantage’ Belichick want a man with 40 years of steroid experience on his staff? Hmmmm…
    I was going to ask Bill that very question, but he wasn’t at practice today. He was off at the funeral of another drug abuser, Garrett Reid…