IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO ASK A BITTER MAN:
Today letter comes from Dr. Holly Wean of Punkin, MA
Dear Bitter Man:
It’ almost winter time again here in the North East. So, is global warming a liberal hoax or what?
That’s a very interesting question Holly, and you’ve come to the right place for the answer, because there are but three people in the free world that truly understand anthropogenic global warming and two of them are Al Gore. Fortunately I’m the third.
Global warming, as it is called, is very real, but the egg-head liberals are just as confused on this issue as the head-in-the-sand conservatives. Let me break it down into terms that even I can understand: the climate reacts to changes that are imposed upon it. These changes include variations in the amount of energy we receive from the Sun.
The ‘ Greenhouse Effect’ causes more energy to be radiated back to the earth, raising temperatures. Clouds and things like aerosol sprays cause the Sun’s energy to bounce back into space, lowering temperatures on Earth. Back during the Industrial Revolution these two variants were held in check because even though those massive factories were burning coal and pour carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, causing energy to radiate back to the Earth, warming the planet; they were also billowing huge plumes of smoke into the air, which caused some of the Sun’s energy to bounce back, and keep the Greenhouse radiated energy in check.
So what happened? Tree Huggers, that what. Well intentioned white people that worked tirelessly to reduce smoke emissions and aerosol use, while doing nothing about Greenhouse gasses, threw the checks and balances out of whack, and we stopped bouncing a portion of Sun’s energy away while the energy radiated back to Earth from carbon dioxide and his new friends, chloro and hydrochloro (the fluorocarbon twins) kept growing.
All this extra energy gets stored in the ocean as heat, and even if we were able to correct the balance tomorrow, the ocean won’t give up its warmth so quickly and we could look forward to the melting of the polar ice caps for decades to come.
But that doesn’t mean we should give up. It is always easier to add than subtract, just follow Oprah’s weight charts if you need any proof of that. What we need is to get more aerosols into the air to balance things out. That right, Holly, spray away. The Earth needs your help. As sad as it may seem, Snookie might save us yet!
But thanks for the letter. It’s time for me to say, Later On Croutons.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
It’s time once again to Ask A Bitter Man: Corn-ering The Market
It’s time once again to Ask A Bitter Man:
Today’s letter comes from Miss Dolly Dagger of Hendrix, MA
Dear Bitter Man:
Is America in decline, or what?
Thanks for the letter Dolly, you’ve come to the right place for the answer because I’ve been in decline myself, since the early 60’s.
The simple fact is, when you see the writing on the wall, you just know it’s going to happen. Blockbuster got too big for their britches and tried to sell Cds, magazines, candy, dolls, posters and everything else under the sun, rather than concentrate on their DVD rentals and, big shock, they filed for bankruptcy last week.
German scientist develop a ‘pink Viagra’ supposedly to boost the sex drive in postmenopausal women and then pull it off the market because, while in does make women want to have more sex, it doesn’t make them want to have any of it with egghead German scientist.
When I lived in China they had roughly 700 miles of paved roads and skinned cats hanging in the market, now they have 30,000 miles of highway and 105 McDonald’s with drive-through windows. What does this have to do with the decline of America? Everything.
While we’re making the shift to those ticking bomb Toyota Prius silly hybrid cars the Chinese are buying up our muscle cars, loading up on Big Macs and taking over the world. Have you see that commercial where a guy that looks like Robin Williams dressed up as George Washington drives a sports car towards the advancing British army and they flee in terror, while the announcer makes some jingoistic claim about gas guzzling and freedom?
Well, the Chinese have no use for freedom, but they sure have bought into the idea that the road to world domination is littered with Shelby Cobras and Dodge Vipers, and we tree-hugging Americans strap on our cycling helmets and peddle our way to the back of the line.
Think I’m lying? What do you think you need to make those hybrid car that are being jammed down our throats, as well as the computers, cell phones or solar panels that we can’t seem to live without these days? Rare Earth Metals. Your bastbaesites, cerites, monazites and the likes. And just where are these earth friendly minerals ripped from the Earth? China, that’s where.
97 percent of the worlds supply of rare earths is controlled by China. They sit on top of roughly one third of the world’s reserves. The US sits on the second largest volume of known rare earth deposits, but we stopped producing it years ago because it was cheaper to import it from China. Now they have cornered the market!
So how do we fight back? Revamp the Indiana plants and end our dependency on China’s rare earth metals? Sure we could do that, but it would cost untold millions of dollars and some hard work. My solution is simpler and involves something we have at hand.
We already control the world’s corn production. Next year’s crop will be one of the largest in history, but if we pretend that there is a shortage of corn, even a simple 4% reduction would cause wide spread global panic. Russia, with her wheat crops wiped out by wildfires this summer, is no longer a grain market player. The gullible and hungry North African and Middle Eastern traders would start to hoard supplies and poor little China would be left out in the cold.
Sure, hybrid cars and superconductors are nice, but try getting along with the corn based antibiotics, textiles, dyes, flour, cheese spread, Coke, soaps or whiskey.
Look, we’re no longer a world power, we got to come to terms with that reality; but if Ping Pong Bob wants his corn dog, he still gotta dance to our tune. Thanks for the letter Dolly, it’s time for me to say Later On Croutons…. A nice corn-based crouton at that.
Today’s letter comes from Miss Dolly Dagger of Hendrix, MA
Dear Bitter Man:
Is America in decline, or what?
Thanks for the letter Dolly, you’ve come to the right place for the answer because I’ve been in decline myself, since the early 60’s.
The simple fact is, when you see the writing on the wall, you just know it’s going to happen. Blockbuster got too big for their britches and tried to sell Cds, magazines, candy, dolls, posters and everything else under the sun, rather than concentrate on their DVD rentals and, big shock, they filed for bankruptcy last week.
German scientist develop a ‘pink Viagra’ supposedly to boost the sex drive in postmenopausal women and then pull it off the market because, while in does make women want to have more sex, it doesn’t make them want to have any of it with egghead German scientist.
When I lived in China they had roughly 700 miles of paved roads and skinned cats hanging in the market, now they have 30,000 miles of highway and 105 McDonald’s with drive-through windows. What does this have to do with the decline of America? Everything.
While we’re making the shift to those ticking bomb Toyota Prius silly hybrid cars the Chinese are buying up our muscle cars, loading up on Big Macs and taking over the world. Have you see that commercial where a guy that looks like Robin Williams dressed up as George Washington drives a sports car towards the advancing British army and they flee in terror, while the announcer makes some jingoistic claim about gas guzzling and freedom?
Well, the Chinese have no use for freedom, but they sure have bought into the idea that the road to world domination is littered with Shelby Cobras and Dodge Vipers, and we tree-hugging Americans strap on our cycling helmets and peddle our way to the back of the line.
Think I’m lying? What do you think you need to make those hybrid car that are being jammed down our throats, as well as the computers, cell phones or solar panels that we can’t seem to live without these days? Rare Earth Metals. Your bastbaesites, cerites, monazites and the likes. And just where are these earth friendly minerals ripped from the Earth? China, that’s where.
97 percent of the worlds supply of rare earths is controlled by China. They sit on top of roughly one third of the world’s reserves. The US sits on the second largest volume of known rare earth deposits, but we stopped producing it years ago because it was cheaper to import it from China. Now they have cornered the market!
So how do we fight back? Revamp the Indiana plants and end our dependency on China’s rare earth metals? Sure we could do that, but it would cost untold millions of dollars and some hard work. My solution is simpler and involves something we have at hand.
We already control the world’s corn production. Next year’s crop will be one of the largest in history, but if we pretend that there is a shortage of corn, even a simple 4% reduction would cause wide spread global panic. Russia, with her wheat crops wiped out by wildfires this summer, is no longer a grain market player. The gullible and hungry North African and Middle Eastern traders would start to hoard supplies and poor little China would be left out in the cold.
Sure, hybrid cars and superconductors are nice, but try getting along with the corn based antibiotics, textiles, dyes, flour, cheese spread, Coke, soaps or whiskey.
Look, we’re no longer a world power, we got to come to terms with that reality; but if Ping Pong Bob wants his corn dog, he still gotta dance to our tune. Thanks for the letter Dolly, it’s time for me to say Later On Croutons…. A nice corn-based crouton at that.
Monday, August 30, 2010
IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO ASK A BITTERMAN:
Today’s letter comes from Miss Minnie Mosque of Kissimmee, Florida.
Dear Bitter Man:
Should I be opposed to this darn Cordoba House in New York City, or what?
Dear Minnie,
That’s a great question and you’ve come to the right place for the answer because I’m more diplomatic than Mel Gibson trying to get a distribution deal for his next movie.
If you honestly believe that over a billion Muslims are responsible for the actions of a few extremists, then yes, a mosque a couple of blocks over from Ground Zero is a bad idea. As bad an idea as a day care center in a Catholic church, as a matter of fact (If this were an episode of Family Guy we’d cut to shot of a priest wiping his dick with a teddy bear right now).
Saudi Arabia doesn’t even allow churches or temples to be built anywhere in their country, so why is it such a big deal for our government to ask reputedly moderate Muslims to move their community center a little further away from a site where some of their members murdered thousands of people? After all, we’re just talking about a place to play ping pong and some pick-up games of basketball, right?
I was all in favor of moving the thing until a new poll came out that said 60% of all American’s oppose the mosque. When have 60% of Americans ever been right about anything? There must be some pretty compelling reasons for the mosque to stay put, but rather than actually think about the problem, I came up with a solution…
Who hates Muslims more than Glenn Beck during sweeps week? The Chinese, that who. And we’ve only hated them since 2001, they’ve hated them as far back as 650. We’re the Johnny-come-lately, band wagon jumpers to this Islam slam, and China knows how to hate.
Don’t forget; HWA Commercial Bank, China Capital, Investments, Chamber of Commerce Organizations, Cheng Enterprises Holding Inc, Nan Commercial Bank, Xiang Trading USA Computer Services, Ren America, Construction America Construction, China Daily Distribution Corp. Business Services, Lin, Li, & Jiang LLP, Securities Co. Ltd, China Patent & Trademark USA Attorneys, China Resource Products USA Ltd., USA Corp Wholesalers, Kangyo Trust Co. Trusts, Intl., King (USA) Limited, Tong Intl. (USA) Co., Capital Management Investments, Chugoku Bank and Gao Qiao USA all had offices (and lost people) in The World Trade Center in New York. That’s a lot of chinks in the wood pile; they’ve got almost as much reason to be pissed as we do.
So why doesn’t China step up and do our dirty work for us? Who likes a whole sale slaughter of a people more than a Chinaman? No one, that’s who. But they won’t, because China doesn’t like to get it’s little Mao suits too messy on the world stage. They might run over a Muslim kid with a bus here, or execute a couple Turkic-speaking natives there, but they’re your passive-aggressive nation state, not really a take charge kind of people.
And don‘t forget, Qiao Liang and Wang Xiangsui, two senior colonels in the Chinese Army, actually blue-printed the attack on the World Trade Center three years before it happened in their white paper on asymmetrical warfare against the U.S., which also suggested destroying America by manipulating the U.S. media, cyber attacks on America’s infrastructure and using immigrants as a fifth column…But that could never happen, right?
So, thanks for the letter Minnie. You needn’t fear still yet another mosque in New York, but if I were Bloomberg, I’d be keeping an eye on those Chinese restaurants that seem to be sprouting up like mushrooms all over the city… And not those yummy Shiitake mushrooms either, but those killer little brown mushrooms that look harmless until you pop one in your mouth and then, boom, 24 hours on the toilet, if you’re lucky… It’s time for me to say Later On Croutons.
Dear Bitter Man:
Should I be opposed to this darn Cordoba House in New York City, or what?
Dear Minnie,
That’s a great question and you’ve come to the right place for the answer because I’m more diplomatic than Mel Gibson trying to get a distribution deal for his next movie.
If you honestly believe that over a billion Muslims are responsible for the actions of a few extremists, then yes, a mosque a couple of blocks over from Ground Zero is a bad idea. As bad an idea as a day care center in a Catholic church, as a matter of fact (If this were an episode of Family Guy we’d cut to shot of a priest wiping his dick with a teddy bear right now).
Saudi Arabia doesn’t even allow churches or temples to be built anywhere in their country, so why is it such a big deal for our government to ask reputedly moderate Muslims to move their community center a little further away from a site where some of their members murdered thousands of people? After all, we’re just talking about a place to play ping pong and some pick-up games of basketball, right?
I was all in favor of moving the thing until a new poll came out that said 60% of all American’s oppose the mosque. When have 60% of Americans ever been right about anything? There must be some pretty compelling reasons for the mosque to stay put, but rather than actually think about the problem, I came up with a solution…
Who hates Muslims more than Glenn Beck during sweeps week? The Chinese, that who. And we’ve only hated them since 2001, they’ve hated them as far back as 650. We’re the Johnny-come-lately, band wagon jumpers to this Islam slam, and China knows how to hate.
Don’t forget; HWA Commercial Bank, China Capital, Investments, Chamber of Commerce Organizations, Cheng Enterprises Holding Inc, Nan Commercial Bank, Xiang Trading USA Computer Services, Ren America, Construction America Construction, China Daily Distribution Corp. Business Services, Lin, Li, & Jiang LLP, Securities Co. Ltd, China Patent & Trademark USA Attorneys, China Resource Products USA Ltd., USA Corp Wholesalers, Kangyo Trust Co. Trusts, Intl., King (USA) Limited, Tong Intl. (USA) Co., Capital Management Investments, Chugoku Bank and Gao Qiao USA all had offices (and lost people) in The World Trade Center in New York. That’s a lot of chinks in the wood pile; they’ve got almost as much reason to be pissed as we do.
So why doesn’t China step up and do our dirty work for us? Who likes a whole sale slaughter of a people more than a Chinaman? No one, that’s who. But they won’t, because China doesn’t like to get it’s little Mao suits too messy on the world stage. They might run over a Muslim kid with a bus here, or execute a couple Turkic-speaking natives there, but they’re your passive-aggressive nation state, not really a take charge kind of people.
And don‘t forget, Qiao Liang and Wang Xiangsui, two senior colonels in the Chinese Army, actually blue-printed the attack on the World Trade Center three years before it happened in their white paper on asymmetrical warfare against the U.S., which also suggested destroying America by manipulating the U.S. media, cyber attacks on America’s infrastructure and using immigrants as a fifth column…But that could never happen, right?
So, thanks for the letter Minnie. You needn’t fear still yet another mosque in New York, but if I were Bloomberg, I’d be keeping an eye on those Chinese restaurants that seem to be sprouting up like mushrooms all over the city… And not those yummy Shiitake mushrooms either, but those killer little brown mushrooms that look harmless until you pop one in your mouth and then, boom, 24 hours on the toilet, if you’re lucky… It’s time for me to say Later On Croutons.
Monday, May 17, 2010
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
New in the theatres, music video director Sam Bayer’s of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. The only real problem with this remake of the Wes Craven classic is, it’s not scary.
You know what is scary? In the sleepy little town of Cohasset, MA (which also has an Elm Street), the superintendent of schools runs her own personal fiefdom. Imagine, after learning that one of her teachers had been molesting a student, rather than turning him over to the police, or even firing him; she had him transferred to another school system and then sent a letter to all of her other teachers warning that it would harm the reputation of the Cohasset school system (and their employment) if anyone were to admit that this pedophile had ever worked there.
Of course, that didn’t really happen. No such letter was ever written; but if it had and we found out about it, the superintendent would be forced to resign, face prosecution for failing to report a crime (at the very least) and possible the wrath an angry mob of citizens with torches and pitch forks.
No, no superintendent of schools would be crass and negligent enough to write that letter, but the pope did. Pope Benedict, Benedictus PP. XVI, the Bishop of Rome, the head of the Catholic Church and Sovereign of the Vatican City State, did just that!
So, the pope (or Joey Ratz as he’s know in certain bar along the Bangkok strip) will be arrested, right? Wrong. As a head of sate, Joey gets criminal and civil immunity under international law. What’s more. No one really seems to care. The Catholic church has actually grown by 12% world wide this century, in a decade that was marked by their unabated abuse scandals.
How can a warmed-over remake about a murderous pedophile hope to scare us when this is our reality? Avoid A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and the pope, like a Delhi scrap-metal market; you have been warned. I’m Lance Norris, Boston’s only straight film critic, saying later on croutons!
You know what is scary? In the sleepy little town of Cohasset, MA (which also has an Elm Street), the superintendent of schools runs her own personal fiefdom. Imagine, after learning that one of her teachers had been molesting a student, rather than turning him over to the police, or even firing him; she had him transferred to another school system and then sent a letter to all of her other teachers warning that it would harm the reputation of the Cohasset school system (and their employment) if anyone were to admit that this pedophile had ever worked there.Of course, that didn’t really happen. No such letter was ever written; but if it had and we found out about it, the superintendent would be forced to resign, face prosecution for failing to report a crime (at the very least) and possible the wrath an angry mob of citizens with torches and pitch forks.
No, no superintendent of schools would be crass and negligent enough to write that letter, but the pope did. Pope Benedict, Benedictus PP. XVI, the Bishop of Rome, the head of the Catholic Church and Sovereign of the Vatican City State, did just that!
So, the pope (or Joey Ratz as he’s know in certain bar along the Bangkok strip) will be arrested, right? Wrong. As a head of sate, Joey gets criminal and civil immunity under international law. What’s more. No one really seems to care. The Catholic church has actually grown by 12% world wide this century, in a decade that was marked by their unabated abuse scandals.
How can a warmed-over remake about a murderous pedophile hope to scare us when this is our reality? Avoid A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, and the pope, like a Delhi scrap-metal market; you have been warned. I’m Lance Norris, Boston’s only straight film critic, saying later on croutons!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
FEBRUARY 22
Not one to let time waste, I made some more mock-ups for the cover and some more entries into the cover contest came in as well. I also came up with a cover for DRINKING MY PAYCHECK TONIGHT, just in case that becomes the single:
Saturday, February 20, 2010
FEBRUARY 20
Finished writing AND I’M MEAN, now I just have to record it and four others, mix ‘em, master ‘em and ship ‘em in the next ten days. No problem, with judicious use of my time.
So what did I do yesterday with the short time I have left? After a fabulous turkey sandwich my wife made me, I designed mock up covers for the first single off of Untraditionally Handsome. Of course, none of the songs are finished yet, so I have no idea which one should be the first single, so I made nine of them:
So what did I do yesterday with the short time I have left? After a fabulous turkey sandwich my wife made me, I designed mock up covers for the first single off of Untraditionally Handsome. Of course, none of the songs are finished yet, so I have no idea which one should be the first single, so I made nine of them:
Friday, February 19, 2010
FEBRUARY 19
Very productive night last night. Got the basic tracks down for five songs.
DRINK UNTIL YOU WANT ME- Tried it at a couple of different tempos before we found one that stuck. Jim Larson added some tasty dobro. Paul Santo was around early helping us get a good sound in the room, but had to split; but not before suggesting some tack piano for the track. Great idea. Now I just have to get him in to record it.
HER FLOWERS ARE MY WEEDS - Jim switched over to mandolin for this one. We knocked it out after one or two passes.
GOOD ENUF - Jim stuck with the mandolin for this one too. Gave it a very dark sound. Mike Pelosi and Paul Dobson were able to create a nice, clear sound from the mandolin with room mics and just a touch of the built in pick-up.
LAZY MAN’S LOAD - Sounded great with Jim switching back to dobro, only the song has a ton of minor chords, which are a pain in the ass for the dobro; so we ended up over-playing the song and I was already burnt out on it by the time we came to record. So, I think this one might be a do over, although there are some nice solos on it.
TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES - We saved the talking blues for the last song of the night, figuring everyone would be half tired and ready to stop. The aim here was for a real, old, sitting on the porch a’ picking with a bottle of shine sound. I think we caught it. Jim does these great dobro walk ins to the D chord that are never really in time, that give the song a very laid-back, rent-party feel.
I won’t be able to get Jim back in the studio until Wednesday, but I’m going to try to get in to sweeten those tracks before then. HER FLOWERS was one of the songs I wanted the ukulele for, but screw Greg Hawkes. The song sounds better with mandolin instead.
Also, after listening to Jim do a few runs on his guitar just to warm up, I wrote a new song to feature his guitar work. I think it’s called AND I’M MEAN, but now I have to make room for it by dropping one of the other songs. ROOT HOG OR DIE is a prime candidate for cutting, sorry Julie.
I’ll get over the bitter disappointment of cutting the song by having a little General Tso’s Chicken for lunch.
DRINK UNTIL YOU WANT ME- Tried it at a couple of different tempos before we found one that stuck. Jim Larson added some tasty dobro. Paul Santo was around early helping us get a good sound in the room, but had to split; but not before suggesting some tack piano for the track. Great idea. Now I just have to get him in to record it.
HER FLOWERS ARE MY WEEDS - Jim switched over to mandolin for this one. We knocked it out after one or two passes.
GOOD ENUF - Jim stuck with the mandolin for this one too. Gave it a very dark sound. Mike Pelosi and Paul Dobson were able to create a nice, clear sound from the mandolin with room mics and just a touch of the built in pick-up.
LAZY MAN’S LOAD - Sounded great with Jim switching back to dobro, only the song has a ton of minor chords, which are a pain in the ass for the dobro; so we ended up over-playing the song and I was already burnt out on it by the time we came to record. So, I think this one might be a do over, although there are some nice solos on it.
TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES - We saved the talking blues for the last song of the night, figuring everyone would be half tired and ready to stop. The aim here was for a real, old, sitting on the porch a’ picking with a bottle of shine sound. I think we caught it. Jim does these great dobro walk ins to the D chord that are never really in time, that give the song a very laid-back, rent-party feel.
I won’t be able to get Jim back in the studio until Wednesday, but I’m going to try to get in to sweeten those tracks before then. HER FLOWERS was one of the songs I wanted the ukulele for, but screw Greg Hawkes. The song sounds better with mandolin instead.
Also, after listening to Jim do a few runs on his guitar just to warm up, I wrote a new song to feature his guitar work. I think it’s called AND I’M MEAN, but now I have to make room for it by dropping one of the other songs. ROOT HOG OR DIE is a prime candidate for cutting, sorry Julie.
I’ll get over the bitter disappointment of cutting the song by having a little General Tso’s Chicken for lunch.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
FEBRUARY 18
Zionks! Ten day to go. Sorry about the huge gap in reports there. Not much news to report. An old friend decided to blow his brains out and that kind of put a damper on my creative mood for a few days. Something like this always sends you down that pig trail of asking ‘why’? I mean sure, he had just produced a National Lampoon movie, and that will sap your will to live, but really? Suicide?… Enough of that. We have music to make.
I’ll be in the studio tonight with Mike Pelosi from WZLX behind the board. Jim Larson, a multi-talented, Texas born picker and Mark Mingles on bass should be joining me. I hope to lay down the skeletons of several songs so we can dress them up later.
About those songs, I dumped a few over the past couple days and written some new ones. The running order looks a bit like this now:
Drink Until You Want Me
Her Flowers Are My Weeds
Good Enuf
Lazy Man’s Load
Too Rich To Bitch Blues
The Jukebox Lied Again
Root Hog or Die
Shoes By The Highway
See That Woman
What Happened To The Blond I Married?
Oh yeah, legendary Ukulele-ist Greg Hawkes still hasn’t called. Who knew Ukulele guys could be as snotty at Rhode Island Bagpipers? Let’s just hope the wife has something good on tap for lunch.
I’ll be in the studio tonight with Mike Pelosi from WZLX behind the board. Jim Larson, a multi-talented, Texas born picker and Mark Mingles on bass should be joining me. I hope to lay down the skeletons of several songs so we can dress them up later.
About those songs, I dumped a few over the past couple days and written some new ones. The running order looks a bit like this now:
Drink Until You Want Me
Her Flowers Are My Weeds
Good Enuf
Lazy Man’s Load
Too Rich To Bitch Blues
The Jukebox Lied Again
Root Hog or Die
Shoes By The Highway
See That Woman
What Happened To The Blond I Married?
Oh yeah, legendary Ukulele-ist Greg Hawkes still hasn’t called. Who knew Ukulele guys could be as snotty at Rhode Island Bagpipers? Let’s just hope the wife has something good on tap for lunch.
Friday, February 12, 2010
FEBRUARY 12
Had a gig last night at The Beachcomber, so that ate up most of the day, creatively; but I did get a couple entries into the CD cover contest already. Very promising.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
FEBRUARY 11
Things are moving forward. Musicians and engineers are getting lined up. Former Stools Paul Santo and Bob Malatesta both agree to help out as time permits. There are a couple of songs that I really want to take over the top with the backing vocals, so I’ve reached out to a few ‘powerful’ voices to see if they can come in.
The only hitch in the giddy-up is, I haven’t heard back from Greg Hawkes yet. The Ukulele is now central to this song, in my mind; so I may have to go with a lesser option, which would be me learning to play the damn thing because I don’t know any other ukulele players…
I also worked on a new CD cover today and hate it, so I’m throwing the doors open. Why don’t see what other’s can come up with?
It’s a dream come true, really! You can design the CD cover. I keep trying to come up with something I like and it’s a big swing and a miss, so I’m throw it open to you. THE GREAT UNTRADITIONALLY HANDSOME CD COVER CONTEST!
Simple, there is one judge, me. Just design a cover using the band’s name (THE STOOLS) and the CD title (UNTRADITIONALLY HANDSOME) and anything else you desire. You can use a photo of the band, a photo of you, whatever floats your boat. The best one, as judged by me, will be used as the CD cover. There will be no cash prize for winning, but I’ll send you free copy of the CD when it’s done.
Of course, if they all suck I reserve the right to use one of my own, but I can not imagine that every single one of you couldn’t Photoshop up a better cover than the ones I’ve come up with. I’ll even post a bunch of band pictures in the photo section here to get you started. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?gid=288934592050&ref=ts
Don’t worry about the back of the CD, with the song titles and what not’s, just make up a JPG for the front cover and post it at the web site above. You can enter as often as you like. Offer void where prohibited. Sorry Tennessee Member FDIC.
We’re videoing a show tonight. Not only should it be interesting, it will cut way into any time I might have to work on the CD. It also might mean fast food for lunch. I’m hoping not.
The only hitch in the giddy-up is, I haven’t heard back from Greg Hawkes yet. The Ukulele is now central to this song, in my mind; so I may have to go with a lesser option, which would be me learning to play the damn thing because I don’t know any other ukulele players…
I also worked on a new CD cover today and hate it, so I’m throwing the doors open. Why don’t see what other’s can come up with?
It’s a dream come true, really! You can design the CD cover. I keep trying to come up with something I like and it’s a big swing and a miss, so I’m throw it open to you. THE GREAT UNTRADITIONALLY HANDSOME CD COVER CONTEST!
Simple, there is one judge, me. Just design a cover using the band’s name (THE STOOLS) and the CD title (UNTRADITIONALLY HANDSOME) and anything else you desire. You can use a photo of the band, a photo of you, whatever floats your boat. The best one, as judged by me, will be used as the CD cover. There will be no cash prize for winning, but I’ll send you free copy of the CD when it’s done.
Of course, if they all suck I reserve the right to use one of my own, but I can not imagine that every single one of you couldn’t Photoshop up a better cover than the ones I’ve come up with. I’ll even post a bunch of band pictures in the photo section here to get you started. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?gid=288934592050&ref=ts
Don’t worry about the back of the CD, with the song titles and what not’s, just make up a JPG for the front cover and post it at the web site above. You can enter as often as you like. Offer void where prohibited. Sorry Tennessee Member FDIC.
We’re videoing a show tonight. Not only should it be interesting, it will cut way into any time I might have to work on the CD. It also might mean fast food for lunch. I’m hoping not.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
FEBRUARY 10
Not hearing back from anyone, which sucks; but my wife cheered me up with French bread pizza. Actually, that’s not true. I did hear back from some people, I just played up the ‘not hearing from anyone, I’m bummed’ angle to get her to make the pizza…
The tuba player is out, due to illness, but I think I may the Voodoo Doctors as backing for a song or two, which would bring a nice Cajun flavor to the mix. I also reached out to this band called The Hankaholics, a classic country cover band. I’ve only heard their MP3’s on their myspace page, but they sounded pretty good. I’m going to check them out next Monday night. It would make life so much easier for them to play backing on a couple of songs too.
I had a couple of options for whom I wanted behind the board working the pro-tools, but these guys, along with Greg Hawkes, aren’t answering my emails.
Working out an arrangement for one of the songs, I started hearing Jon Butcher’s guitar in my head. I didn’t know whether to take it as a sign, or if it’s just because my neighbor was blasting “Ocean In Motion”, but I send an email off to Jon as well. Hey, it can’t hurt to ask. I know I’m up for playing any time anyone asks me, and I’m not busy… It’s just that no one ever asks…
Spent the rest of the day getting is fist fights with housewives over the last bag of white bread at the Shaw’s. A blizzard is rearing it’s head on the horizon and people are already in their ‘I just saw a snow flake, I don’t know how to handle this shit’ mode.
Hopefully I hear from some more people today, ’cause there‘s only 18 days to go. If you need me, I’ll be hording the peanut butter in the corner over here.
The tuba player is out, due to illness, but I think I may the Voodoo Doctors as backing for a song or two, which would bring a nice Cajun flavor to the mix. I also reached out to this band called The Hankaholics, a classic country cover band. I’ve only heard their MP3’s on their myspace page, but they sounded pretty good. I’m going to check them out next Monday night. It would make life so much easier for them to play backing on a couple of songs too.
I had a couple of options for whom I wanted behind the board working the pro-tools, but these guys, along with Greg Hawkes, aren’t answering my emails.
Working out an arrangement for one of the songs, I started hearing Jon Butcher’s guitar in my head. I didn’t know whether to take it as a sign, or if it’s just because my neighbor was blasting “Ocean In Motion”, but I send an email off to Jon as well. Hey, it can’t hurt to ask. I know I’m up for playing any time anyone asks me, and I’m not busy… It’s just that no one ever asks…
Spent the rest of the day getting is fist fights with housewives over the last bag of white bread at the Shaw’s. A blizzard is rearing it’s head on the horizon and people are already in their ‘I just saw a snow flake, I don’t know how to handle this shit’ mode.
Hopefully I hear from some more people today, ’cause there‘s only 18 days to go. If you need me, I’ll be hording the peanut butter in the corner over here.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
FEBRUARY 9
Slow day today because I had to rehearse the live show with the band, 30 songs, over half of the are brand new. Thursday’s show should be interesting…
I haven’t heard back from Greg Hawkes yet, someone said they thought he was touring with The Turtles. I wonder if Flo and Eddie are touring with The Turtles? I wish I could care enough to be bothered to search for the answers on the net, but no.
I did extend a couple of other invitations to musicians that I thought could lend a little something special to some of the songs, we’ll see how that goes. I don’t mind people saying ‘no’, it’s not a paying gig after all; but when they don’t respond at all… well, let’s just say Jerome David Salinger didn’t respond to one of my emails once and where is he now? Dead, that’s where. Just saying…
I haven’t heard back from Greg Hawkes yet, someone said they thought he was touring with The Turtles. I wonder if Flo and Eddie are touring with The Turtles? I wish I could care enough to be bothered to search for the answers on the net, but no.
I did extend a couple of other invitations to musicians that I thought could lend a little something special to some of the songs, we’ll see how that goes. I don’t mind people saying ‘no’, it’s not a paying gig after all; but when they don’t respond at all… well, let’s just say Jerome David Salinger didn’t respond to one of my emails once and where is he now? Dead, that’s where. Just saying…
Monday, February 8, 2010
FEBRUARY 8
Good day all around Sunday. The dog ass Colt’s got pistol whipped. We had Nachos Grande for lunch and Andy Pratt agreed to put at least one day into the project.
The last development is really cool because not only does Andy have a great voice (you may remember his huge hit in the 70’s AVENGING ANNIE), but his Great-Grand Father, or one of them back there in his past, started Exxon with John D. Rockefeller, so he’s an obvious choice to play on the TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES. The fact that he’s a good musician is just gravy.
Alright, the Nachos Grande were pretty cool too, ‘cause they were homemade, with none of that guacamole crap, but I still, come on, how cool is Andy Pratt?
I’d been meaning to write a Talking Blues for some time now, after talking about the song form with Dan Margarita and his parody of Dylan’s talking blues in his early period. Of course, that was the whole point of the Talking Blues back in the 20’s. They were more comic monologs than the issue-hammering preaching that Woody Guthrie (and by extension, Bob Dylan) turned them into.
Christopher Allen Bouchillon, the mandolin playing third of the Bouchillon Trio, reportedly had such a horrid singing voice, he was asked to speak rather than sing his songs in the studio back in 1927 and thus his trademark and a new style were born.
Of course, I didn’t follow the traditional Talking Blues format of each verse being two couplets and the fifth line being an irregular, unrhymed tag, just to piss off those cat brushing, festival holding, stinking hippies out there that might get pissed off at something like that.
I’d been making a lot of sport of Ernie Boch, Jr. lately, partly out of jealousy, but mainly because, what the hell business does a billionaire (yes, billion with a ‘b’) have with playing the blues? There really are enough pedestrian white boy blues out there as it is, without Ernie and his “Oh, Yeah, I Remember Him” All-Stars throwing their hat’s into the ring.
Musically, Martin Mull had pretty much written the final word on rich people singing the blues back in 1973, with his Ukulele Blues. But amazingly, that was 37 years ago and sadly most people now remember Mull as ‘that gay guy from the Roseanne Show’ rather than the musical comedy giant of the 70’s. So, I figured it was time to revisit the subject.
Getting Andy to play on the recording was an inspired choice, given his family background.
THE NAME IS TWIGGLY TOPPER MIDDLE-BOTTOM I’M GLAD TO MEET YA
I’M JUST A LITTLE PUT OFF BECAUSE DOMINOES RAN OUT OF TROUT PIZZA
WE’LL HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH W/THE BUFFALO AND BRIE
IF IT DOESN’T GET HERE IN FIVE MORE MINUTES, AT LEAST IT IS FREE
WE HAD TO GIVE THE COOK THE LONG WEEKEND FOR MARTIN SOMEONE DAY
ALL SHE LEFT US WAS ABOUT A DOZEN FINGER SANDWICHES AND SOME CANAPÉ
WE’LL MAKE IT THROUGH TO TUESDAY IF WE DON’T RUN OUT OF BOOZE
THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUE
CH.
TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
I GOT THE BLUES
BUT I CAN’T BITCH
I SLIPPED A GIRL A ROOFIE AND CALLED IT SEDUCTION
I PAID HER OFF WITH SOME IMPLANTS AND HER BROTHER’S BREAST REDUCTION
I TALK LIKE I’M STREET BUT I DRIVE A SUBURBAN
I DRINK MY SCOTCH NEAT AND PRETEND THAT IT’S BOURBON
MY FARTS DON’T STINK AND MY BLOOD COULDN’T BE PURER
I’LL BLOW A 3.8 QUICKER THAN MY LAWYER CAN BLOW A JUROR
I’VE WRECKED MORE BEAMERS AND PUKED ON MORE SHOES
THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
CH.
WHEN THE STOCK MARKET TANKED I LOST A FEW MILLION
HAD TO SLUM IT ALL SUMMER, HANGING OUT WITH PARIS HILTON
THINGS GOT SO TIGHT MY UNCLE, TWIGGLY TOPPER MIDDLE-BOTTOM III JR.
JUST LAST WEEK HAD TO LAY OFF A COUPLE OF HIS SENATORS
NOW HE’S ASHAMED TO SHOW HIS FACE AROUND GEORGETOWN
THANK GOD ALL YA’LL VOTED FOR GOOD OLD SCOTT BROWN
HE SAID HE’D BAIL ME OUT ‘CAUSE I USED TO BANG HIS COUSIN AT SYRACUSE
TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
CH.
I GOT MADRAS UNDERWEAR AND WHALES ON MY BELT
TOO BAD IZOD STOPPED MAKING SHIRTS OUT OF UNBORN SEAL PELT
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE AT THE W WAS BOOKED BY A SAUDI PRINCE
WE HAD’A RENT A HOUSE FOR THE WEEKEND THAT WAS OWNED BY GEORGE WENDT
MY GRANDFATHER’S FATHER WAS THE LAST MIDDLE-BOTTOM THAT HAD’A WORK
MY ARROGANCE IS CHARMING, IF I WERE POOR I’D JUST BE A USED CAR SELLING JERK
DON’T WANNA, BUT I OWE IT TO HUMANITY TO REPRODUCE
THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
CH,
CH. (AIN’T THAT RICH?)
Thinking of the old Martin Mull song got me thinking of the ukulele itself and how I had a couple of songs planned for this CD that might benefit from some ukulele. You can’t really think of the ukulele without thinking of the great George Harrison, but he’s dead, so I thought of the next best thing, Greg Hawkes. Yeah, that Greg Hawkes, the keyboard player for the Cars.
Hawkes is also a greatly under-appreciated ukulele player and he was in Martin Mull’s stage band, The Fabulous Furniture, back in the day. So, I fired off an email too him to see if we could wrangle him into the fold as well.
I may also have a tuba and a couple of other ace’s up my sleeve, so stay tuned. Oh yeah, it was great seeing Payton crying on the side-lines last night, wasn’t it?
The last development is really cool because not only does Andy have a great voice (you may remember his huge hit in the 70’s AVENGING ANNIE), but his Great-Grand Father, or one of them back there in his past, started Exxon with John D. Rockefeller, so he’s an obvious choice to play on the TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES. The fact that he’s a good musician is just gravy.
Alright, the Nachos Grande were pretty cool too, ‘cause they were homemade, with none of that guacamole crap, but I still, come on, how cool is Andy Pratt?
I’d been meaning to write a Talking Blues for some time now, after talking about the song form with Dan Margarita and his parody of Dylan’s talking blues in his early period. Of course, that was the whole point of the Talking Blues back in the 20’s. They were more comic monologs than the issue-hammering preaching that Woody Guthrie (and by extension, Bob Dylan) turned them into.
Christopher Allen Bouchillon, the mandolin playing third of the Bouchillon Trio, reportedly had such a horrid singing voice, he was asked to speak rather than sing his songs in the studio back in 1927 and thus his trademark and a new style were born.
Of course, I didn’t follow the traditional Talking Blues format of each verse being two couplets and the fifth line being an irregular, unrhymed tag, just to piss off those cat brushing, festival holding, stinking hippies out there that might get pissed off at something like that.
I’d been making a lot of sport of Ernie Boch, Jr. lately, partly out of jealousy, but mainly because, what the hell business does a billionaire (yes, billion with a ‘b’) have with playing the blues? There really are enough pedestrian white boy blues out there as it is, without Ernie and his “Oh, Yeah, I Remember Him” All-Stars throwing their hat’s into the ring.
Musically, Martin Mull had pretty much written the final word on rich people singing the blues back in 1973, with his Ukulele Blues. But amazingly, that was 37 years ago and sadly most people now remember Mull as ‘that gay guy from the Roseanne Show’ rather than the musical comedy giant of the 70’s. So, I figured it was time to revisit the subject.
Getting Andy to play on the recording was an inspired choice, given his family background.
TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
THE NAME IS TWIGGLY TOPPER MIDDLE-BOTTOM I’M GLAD TO MEET YA
I’M JUST A LITTLE PUT OFF BECAUSE DOMINOES RAN OUT OF TROUT PIZZA
WE’LL HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH W/THE BUFFALO AND BRIE
IF IT DOESN’T GET HERE IN FIVE MORE MINUTES, AT LEAST IT IS FREE
WE HAD TO GIVE THE COOK THE LONG WEEKEND FOR MARTIN SOMEONE DAY
ALL SHE LEFT US WAS ABOUT A DOZEN FINGER SANDWICHES AND SOME CANAPÉ
WE’LL MAKE IT THROUGH TO TUESDAY IF WE DON’T RUN OUT OF BOOZE
THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUE
CH.
TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
I GOT THE BLUES
BUT I CAN’T BITCH
I SLIPPED A GIRL A ROOFIE AND CALLED IT SEDUCTION
I PAID HER OFF WITH SOME IMPLANTS AND HER BROTHER’S BREAST REDUCTION
I TALK LIKE I’M STREET BUT I DRIVE A SUBURBAN
I DRINK MY SCOTCH NEAT AND PRETEND THAT IT’S BOURBON
MY FARTS DON’T STINK AND MY BLOOD COULDN’T BE PURER
I’LL BLOW A 3.8 QUICKER THAN MY LAWYER CAN BLOW A JUROR
I’VE WRECKED MORE BEAMERS AND PUKED ON MORE SHOES
THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
CH.
WHEN THE STOCK MARKET TANKED I LOST A FEW MILLION
HAD TO SLUM IT ALL SUMMER, HANGING OUT WITH PARIS HILTON
THINGS GOT SO TIGHT MY UNCLE, TWIGGLY TOPPER MIDDLE-BOTTOM III JR.
JUST LAST WEEK HAD TO LAY OFF A COUPLE OF HIS SENATORS
NOW HE’S ASHAMED TO SHOW HIS FACE AROUND GEORGETOWN
THANK GOD ALL YA’LL VOTED FOR GOOD OLD SCOTT BROWN
HE SAID HE’D BAIL ME OUT ‘CAUSE I USED TO BANG HIS COUSIN AT SYRACUSE
TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
CH.
I GOT MADRAS UNDERWEAR AND WHALES ON MY BELT
TOO BAD IZOD STOPPED MAKING SHIRTS OUT OF UNBORN SEAL PELT
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE AT THE W WAS BOOKED BY A SAUDI PRINCE
WE HAD’A RENT A HOUSE FOR THE WEEKEND THAT WAS OWNED BY GEORGE WENDT
MY GRANDFATHER’S FATHER WAS THE LAST MIDDLE-BOTTOM THAT HAD’A WORK
MY ARROGANCE IS CHARMING, IF I WERE POOR I’D JUST BE A USED CAR SELLING JERK
DON’T WANNA, BUT I OWE IT TO HUMANITY TO REPRODUCE
THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES
CH,
CH. (AIN’T THAT RICH?)
Written by Lance Norris @2010 Dutchco Music (BMI)
Hawkes is also a greatly under-appreciated ukulele player and he was in Martin Mull’s stage band, The Fabulous Furniture, back in the day. So, I fired off an email too him to see if we could wrangle him into the fold as well.
I may also have a tuba and a couple of other ace’s up my sleeve, so stay tuned. Oh yeah, it was great seeing Payton crying on the side-lines last night, wasn’t it?
FEBRUARY 7
Kind of planned to take the weekend off, but not really.
Totally rewrote LAZY MAN’S LOAD, and I’m much happier with it now, and I reached out to some of the musicians I want to use on the recordings. With The Stools proper so busy trying to put together 30 odd songs for the live show, I’m not sure how much time they’ll all have for this project; plus there are various horns and woodwinds I’d like to use as well.
I was working on some of the new songs (15 of them) we’re introducing to the live set on February 11th, when I started fooling with this chord pattern. The new and improved LAZY MAN’S LOAD lyrics just seemed to follow:
IT CERTAINLY WASN’T MY INTENTION
FOR THINGS TO TURN OUT THIS WAY
MY NATURE CAN WORK AS BIRTH PREVENTION
I’M HALF AS BORING AS MODERN BALLET
THAT’S NOT TO SAY I DON’T DANCING
HELL, I USED TO TAP LIKE MARK MORSE CODE
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW WHO YOU’RE ROMANCING
AND YOU’RE HOEING A LAZY MAN’S LOAD
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STAYED THROUGH INTERMISSION
EVEN THOUGH I’M REALLY JUST A ONE-ACT PLAY
AN APPREHENSIVE APPARITION
FADING LIKE A PASSIVE MATRIX DISPLAY
I DIDN’T THINK I’D HAVE A GHOST OF A CHANCE
OF SCARING UP YOUR SA NODE
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW IN ADVANCE
THAT YOUR HOEING A LAZY MAN’S LOAD
PLEASE DON’T THINK I’M OVER-STATING
THE PROBLEMS WE ARE BOUND TO FACE
OVER TIME I’VE DEVELOPED AN AMOUR PLATING
TO DEAR JOHN’S IN THE POSSESSIVE CASE
I REALLY SHOULD, BUT I WON’T BOTHER
JUST LIKE THE NINE DIGIT ZIP CODE
WE ALL HAVE OUR SUNDRIES WE’D PREFER
BUT YOU’RE HOEING A LAZY MAN’S LOAD
A definite improvement over what I had and I still have about three weeks to tighten them up, but more importantly; salads and pizza for lunch today.
Also, my old friend Sally Sisson said she would lend her flute to the project, which is really cool because she doesn’t know this, but over 30 years ago I wrote a song for her to play on with my band at the time, loosely based on Henry Mancini’s FLUTERS’ BALL, but never got around to asking her to do it. There are a couple of songs in this batch that lend themselves to the flute, so this will be some kind of nice closure for me… Or maybe I’ve just been stalking Sally for 30 years and I’ll end up in jail. But hey, that’s art.
Totally rewrote LAZY MAN’S LOAD, and I’m much happier with it now, and I reached out to some of the musicians I want to use on the recordings. With The Stools proper so busy trying to put together 30 odd songs for the live show, I’m not sure how much time they’ll all have for this project; plus there are various horns and woodwinds I’d like to use as well.
I was working on some of the new songs (15 of them) we’re introducing to the live set on February 11th, when I started fooling with this chord pattern. The new and improved LAZY MAN’S LOAD lyrics just seemed to follow:
LAZY MAN’S LOAD
IT CERTAINLY WASN’T MY INTENTION
FOR THINGS TO TURN OUT THIS WAY
MY NATURE CAN WORK AS BIRTH PREVENTION
I’M HALF AS BORING AS MODERN BALLET
THAT’S NOT TO SAY I DON’T DANCING
HELL, I USED TO TAP LIKE MARK MORSE CODE
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW WHO YOU’RE ROMANCING
AND YOU’RE HOEING A LAZY MAN’S LOAD
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STAYED THROUGH INTERMISSION
EVEN THOUGH I’M REALLY JUST A ONE-ACT PLAY
AN APPREHENSIVE APPARITION
FADING LIKE A PASSIVE MATRIX DISPLAY
I DIDN’T THINK I’D HAVE A GHOST OF A CHANCE
OF SCARING UP YOUR SA NODE
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW IN ADVANCE
THAT YOUR HOEING A LAZY MAN’S LOAD
PLEASE DON’T THINK I’M OVER-STATING
THE PROBLEMS WE ARE BOUND TO FACE
OVER TIME I’VE DEVELOPED AN AMOUR PLATING
TO DEAR JOHN’S IN THE POSSESSIVE CASE
I REALLY SHOULD, BUT I WON’T BOTHER
JUST LIKE THE NINE DIGIT ZIP CODE
WE ALL HAVE OUR SUNDRIES WE’D PREFER
BUT YOU’RE HOEING A LAZY MAN’S LOAD
Written by Lance Norris @2010 Dutchco Music (BMI)
A definite improvement over what I had and I still have about three weeks to tighten them up, but more importantly; salads and pizza for lunch today.
Also, my old friend Sally Sisson said she would lend her flute to the project, which is really cool because she doesn’t know this, but over 30 years ago I wrote a song for her to play on with my band at the time, loosely based on Henry Mancini’s FLUTERS’ BALL, but never got around to asking her to do it. There are a couple of songs in this batch that lend themselves to the flute, so this will be some kind of nice closure for me… Or maybe I’ve just been stalking Sally for 30 years and I’ll end up in jail. But hey, that’s art.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
FEBRUARY 6
Might have a line on a trumpet player I want to use, but he might be a little light in the loafers (and not in a good way) so I don’t know that sound would be worth the drama. How-some-ever, it looks like I have a contrabassoon on-board, which is a much cooler sound that the Bari-sax.
GREAT NEWS: Everyone that becomes a member of the Untraditionally Handsome Facebook Page:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=288934592050&ref=ts
before March 1, 2010 will be included in the CD liner notes of the Special Edition booklet, and not just a ‘Special Thanks To’ credit either. They will make up a phony baloney job for each of you that’ll sit proudly on your permanent record. Didn’t you always want to be an A&R Coordinator or Balance Mixer?
So do me a favor and invite your cool friends to join too, because I want to make this list as long as humanly possible… But only your cool friends, ok? How do you know if your friend is cool or not? Well, if they ever order the spaghetti at Denny’s, I’m guessing they are not cool. Got it?
BAD NEWS: I’m starting hate one of the song and may have to go with a total rewrite.
EVEN WORST NEWS: My wife wasn’t home, so I had to make my own lunch. I did kind of a bagel sandwich thing that didn’t really cut it and I’m not proud at all.
We’re having company for lunch today and then tomorrow is The Super Bowl, so I might just have to take the weekend off.
GREAT NEWS: Everyone that becomes a member of the Untraditionally Handsome Facebook Page:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=288934592050&ref=ts
before March 1, 2010 will be included in the CD liner notes of the Special Edition booklet, and not just a ‘Special Thanks To’ credit either. They will make up a phony baloney job for each of you that’ll sit proudly on your permanent record. Didn’t you always want to be an A&R Coordinator or Balance Mixer?
So do me a favor and invite your cool friends to join too, because I want to make this list as long as humanly possible… But only your cool friends, ok? How do you know if your friend is cool or not? Well, if they ever order the spaghetti at Denny’s, I’m guessing they are not cool. Got it?
BAD NEWS: I’m starting hate one of the song and may have to go with a total rewrite.
EVEN WORST NEWS: My wife wasn’t home, so I had to make my own lunch. I did kind of a bagel sandwich thing that didn’t really cut it and I’m not proud at all.
We’re having company for lunch today and then tomorrow is The Super Bowl, so I might just have to take the weekend off.
Friday, February 5, 2010
FEBRUARY 5
Day Four, I didn’t get a whole of work done. I was working on one of the songs, and I kept hearing a Bari-sax in the mix. We used to have a Bari-sax player in the band but he got old and had to be put down.
Actually, I couldn’t face taking him to the vet like some Nazi train conductor, so I just drove him deep into the woods, tossed his favorite tennis ball for him to chase down and ran back to the car and beat it before he got back.
I had contemplated leaving him on an ice flow, like a proud and ancient Eskimo, but I wasn’t sure where to find an ice flow in Duxbury bay and really, are the Eskimo that proud to begin with?
None of this solved my sound problem, so I emailed an Contrabassoon I knew about. We’ll have to see what he says. After a fine, fine lunch of beef stew and Saltines, which my wife whipped up in the kitchen while I looked up how to spell ‘Contrabassoon’, I designed a t-shirt for the CD. Hey what’s the use of doing something if you’re not going to promote the hell out of it, right?
I’ll do some real work tomorrow, I swear.
Actually, I couldn’t face taking him to the vet like some Nazi train conductor, so I just drove him deep into the woods, tossed his favorite tennis ball for him to chase down and ran back to the car and beat it before he got back.
I had contemplated leaving him on an ice flow, like a proud and ancient Eskimo, but I wasn’t sure where to find an ice flow in Duxbury bay and really, are the Eskimo that proud to begin with?
None of this solved my sound problem, so I emailed an Contrabassoon I knew about. We’ll have to see what he says. After a fine, fine lunch of beef stew and Saltines, which my wife whipped up in the kitchen while I looked up how to spell ‘Contrabassoon’, I designed a t-shirt for the CD. Hey what’s the use of doing something if you’re not going to promote the hell out of it, right?
I’ll do some real work tomorrow, I swear.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
FEBURARY 4
Most of Day Three’s morning was spent filling out paperwork for BMI on the ten songs for this pig. I’m not sure I understand all the ins-and-outs of it; but as long as I keep my track record of not making a dime off my songs intact, I think I should be ok.
It was interesting to see that someone on XM Radio had been playing one of my Christmas songs, so I should be seeing check worth well over three dollars in about a year. I got that going for me.
After a fine lunch, prepared by my career woman wife, of some sort of vegetable, noodle and what might have been chicken (or at least some winged thing) soup; I put the finishing touches on ROOT HOG OR DIE. Of course, Julie Brummer must be thanked for the song, but not given so much credit that she gets to beat me out of any BMI money….
ROOT HOG OR DIE
BUT HE NEVER SAW ME COMING
I INTERRUPTED HIS LITTLE MORALITY PLAY
AND MIGHT HAVE WRECKED HIS PLUMBING
THERE WASN’T MUCH LEFT TO FILLET
BUT HELP YOURSELF ANYWAY
ANDIE MACDOWELL SAW HER SHADOW TODAY
SHE HADN’T BEEN OUTSIDE IN WEEKS
I HADN’T SEEN HER SINCE MUPPETS FROM SPACE
BUT I’M A BIG FAN OF ANTIQUES
I THINK OF HER WHENEVER GLENN CLOSE SPEAKS
JUST ANOTHER FLAVOR OF THE WEAK
(SOLO)
MY WIFE MADE ME A SANDWICH TODAY
SOMETHING THAT TASTED LIKE CHICKEN
I TRIED TO EAT IT EVERY WHICH WAY
BUT IT WAS LESS SANDWICH THAN WICCAN
SEZ JEAN BAPTISTE PIERRE ANTOINE DE MONET
WE ALL GET EATEN AWAY
The song has that droning feel to it, so I contacted a guy down in R.I. about playing some English Medieval bagpipe in G on it, but he was the kind of a dink that referred to himself as ’a Master of The Dance’ and wanted too much money. Like there’s a huge demand for bagpipers. I’ll probably just end up doing it on keyboards. Friggin ‘musicians’.
I agreed to tape an interview with The Notty Wood Show, on March 1st, which should coincide with the finished CD’s release and I did a quick, new mock-up for the CD front and back covers, but couldn’t remember where I got the photo from, so I’ll probably have to scrap that one.
And I managed to run through most of the songs for the Feb. 11th show with the band at night. Barring any Sr. moments, at least they have a passing familiarity with them when we try to video tape them. I wonder what my wife has planned for lunch today?…
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
FEBRUARY 3
Well, Day Two went swimmingly. Paul said he was in, so we have a studio in which to record, only it won’t be available until next week. This delay actually works out well because that gives me time to tweak the songs, the song which are all written, by the way, and none of which contain a run ponderous run-on sentence like this one.
SHOES BY THE HIGHWAY actually came to me late on Day One and is a keeper. Now that I think of it, the theme might have been floating around in my head for almost 25 years, after driving from Washington State to Colorado one Thanksgiving and getting stuck in a blizzard in Evanston, Wyoming.
Yesterday was also Ground Hog’s Day and my friend Julie pointed out that there were no good Ground Hog’s Day songs. That was a theme that fit perfectly with my title, ROOT HOG OR DIE, so I worked up a little ditty that asks the musical question, ‘if Andie MacDowell sees her shadow today, does that mean six more weeks of obscurity?’
Actually, Julie’s idea was for something called GRINDING THE HOG, as she said, ‘I'm envisioning it as a song about seasonal affective disorder.. being sick of winter.. the rodent pops out and sees his shadow, and it makes you hog-i-cidal. "When he pops out of his log.. it'll be time to grind the hog." Work in the phrase, "tastes like chicken" and I think it will be an epic winter anthem. "I dream of hitting him with a trowel. I've never been a fan of Andie MacDowell.." This songwriting stuff is cake.’ Truer word, Julie, truer words…
My wife was kind enough to point out, every day for the past 13 years, that I’ve never written a song about her. I asked her, ‘Do you listen to the kind of songs I write? Do you really want one written about you?’, but she said ‘yes’, so I finally came up with WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOND I MARRIED? before lunch (which was a fine tuna salad the aforementioned songless wife made, at my request, with catsup, mayonnaise and pickle relish. Any woman that would do that for you deserves a song, I guess).
ONE EYED KING might be the weakest of the bunch, but I have some time to whip it into shape or walk away from it completely. Which is what I did to FLAVOR OF THE WEAK. I’ll still write that song some day, but while I was futzing around with the chords I came up with the song DRINK UNTIL YOU WANT ME, which help removed the taste of ONE EYED KING from my ears and won a place in my heart.
That’s ten by my count. I’ll play around with them some more today, but I really need to get to work on the 30 songs The Stools are doing on Feb. 11th. The band only knows about 15 of them and I’m not that strong on 5 or 6 myself. The award winning video director Michael Pelosi is supposed to be shooting some tape that night, so it’d be nice to actually know all the words at least.
SHOES BY THE HIGHWAY actually came to me late on Day One and is a keeper. Now that I think of it, the theme might have been floating around in my head for almost 25 years, after driving from Washington State to Colorado one Thanksgiving and getting stuck in a blizzard in Evanston, Wyoming.
Yesterday was also Ground Hog’s Day and my friend Julie pointed out that there were no good Ground Hog’s Day songs. That was a theme that fit perfectly with my title, ROOT HOG OR DIE, so I worked up a little ditty that asks the musical question, ‘if Andie MacDowell sees her shadow today, does that mean six more weeks of obscurity?’
Actually, Julie’s idea was for something called GRINDING THE HOG, as she said, ‘I'm envisioning it as a song about seasonal affective disorder.. being sick of winter.. the rodent pops out and sees his shadow, and it makes you hog-i-cidal. "When he pops out of his log.. it'll be time to grind the hog." Work in the phrase, "tastes like chicken" and I think it will be an epic winter anthem. "I dream of hitting him with a trowel. I've never been a fan of Andie MacDowell.." This songwriting stuff is cake.’ Truer word, Julie, truer words…
My wife was kind enough to point out, every day for the past 13 years, that I’ve never written a song about her. I asked her, ‘Do you listen to the kind of songs I write? Do you really want one written about you?’, but she said ‘yes’, so I finally came up with WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOND I MARRIED? before lunch (which was a fine tuna salad the aforementioned songless wife made, at my request, with catsup, mayonnaise and pickle relish. Any woman that would do that for you deserves a song, I guess).
ONE EYED KING might be the weakest of the bunch, but I have some time to whip it into shape or walk away from it completely. Which is what I did to FLAVOR OF THE WEAK. I’ll still write that song some day, but while I was futzing around with the chords I came up with the song DRINK UNTIL YOU WANT ME, which help removed the taste of ONE EYED KING from my ears and won a place in my heart.
That’s ten by my count. I’ll play around with them some more today, but I really need to get to work on the 30 songs The Stools are doing on Feb. 11th. The band only knows about 15 of them and I’m not that strong on 5 or 6 myself. The award winning video director Michael Pelosi is supposed to be shooting some tape that night, so it’d be nice to actually know all the words at least.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
FEBRUARY 2
Well, Day One got off to a good start. I knocked out five of the ten songs I wanted to write and designed a mock-up for the CD front and back covers, but I still haven’t heard from Paul about the studio.
I did the GOOD ENUF song in the morning and then jacked around with album cover for a little while. During lunch HER FLOWERS ARE MY WEEDS came to me (a lovely lunch, by the way, prepared by my wife, of a baloney sandwich and pretzels with a diet coke; just for the records), and as I was working out those chords I also got THE JUKEBOX LIED AGAIN and LAZY MAN’S LOAD too.
I played a little poker on Facebook, tried to commit a few crimes on Mob Wars and then finally tackled that talking blues, now called THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES, in honor of that blue’s great, Ernie Boch, Jr.
I sent off some emails apologizing for a mix up over a drum set from our gig over the weekend with The Fools, watched the Celtic’s game and called it day. Who says I’m a good for nothing, lay-about? Oh that’s right, everyone.
Well, if I can get into a studio and get these pigs on their feet, we’ll just see if I’ve been wasting my time or not. Five more songs to go. Maybe I can get a few of them today… or at least one…I still my have to redo the CD cover. My wife says it looks like an Ah-ha video…
I did the GOOD ENUF song in the morning and then jacked around with album cover for a little while. During lunch HER FLOWERS ARE MY WEEDS came to me (a lovely lunch, by the way, prepared by my wife, of a baloney sandwich and pretzels with a diet coke; just for the records), and as I was working out those chords I also got THE JUKEBOX LIED AGAIN and LAZY MAN’S LOAD too.
I played a little poker on Facebook, tried to commit a few crimes on Mob Wars and then finally tackled that talking blues, now called THE TOO RICH TO BITCH BLUES, in honor of that blue’s great, Ernie Boch, Jr.
I sent off some emails apologizing for a mix up over a drum set from our gig over the weekend with The Fools, watched the Celtic’s game and called it day. Who says I’m a good for nothing, lay-about? Oh that’s right, everyone.
Well, if I can get into a studio and get these pigs on their feet, we’ll just see if I’ve been wasting my time or not. Five more songs to go. Maybe I can get a few of them today… or at least one…I still my have to redo the CD cover. My wife says it looks like an Ah-ha video…
Monday, February 1, 2010
FEBRUARY 1
So, I’ve signed up for something called the RPM Challenge, which basically, I have 28 over the course of February to write and record a CD. Band across the world are doing it (this is the fourth year of the Challenge) but there is no prize; it’s done just for the music.
Their web-site is here: http://www.rpmchallenge.com/ if you want to check it our, or even sign-up.
I want to use The Stools for this project, but we are trying to learn a ton of new songs for our live set and I don’t want to confuse them with even more songs that I haven’t even written yet. I guess we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it, as they say. First things first: I gotta send an email out to my old friend Paul who’s got a funky little studio that would be perfect for this kind of project and see if he’d be interested.
Actually, first things first, maybe a should write some songs. It can’t be any of the old stuff. We’re on the honor system here and they’ve all gotta be fresh caught songs. Hmmmm….
I keep a list of titles for songs that I might want to write some day, so I’ll just go through it and pick the first 10 that appeal to me. Actually, I’m only going to pick 9 because I was talking with Dan Margarita on Facebook the other day about the history of the talking blues, and that got me in the mood to write a talking blues, so one tenth of my list is done.
TALKING BLUES
Ok, now for the other nine, in no particular order:
GOOD ENUF
HER FLOWERS ARE MY WEEDS
LAZY MAN’S LOAD
ONE EYED KING
ROOT HOG OR DIE
FLAVOR OF THE WEAK
SHOES BY THE HIGHWAY
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOND I MARRIED?
THE JUKEBOX LIED AGAIN
Now there’s an album worth of titles. I’m always confused when musicians take so long between albums. You just sit down and do it. Get it out of the way. Money where your mouth is time. Let’s knock the first song on the list, GOOD ENUF, off right now. Of course, the lyrics might get tweaked a little as it is recorded, but I just want to come up with a frame to start hanging the music on.
The Grammys were last night and I can’t imagine any of Lady Ga Ga’s songs took more than a half hour to write. So let’s jump in. Free associate. Lady “If I Lead with My Vagina Maybe They Won’t Notice I Have No Talent” Ga Ga.... Grammys… Award shows… Phonies… Here we go….
IT’S AN HONOR JUST TO BE A NOMINEE
THAT’S GOOD ENUF FOR ME
GIVE THE AWARD LITTLE GEORGE CLOONEY
IT’S JUST A PLEASURE TO BE IN HIS COMPANY
I DIDN’T EVEN PREPARE A SPEECH
WINNING SEEMED SO OUT OF REACH
WHEN YOU’RE UP AGAINST A BALDWIN AND THE KID WHO PLAYED SCREECH
HELL, THAT’S NO DAY AT THE BEACH
WHY DO I COME HERE, THE FOOD AIN’T THAT GREAT
MY SENSE OF IMPORTANCE IS STARTING TO DEFLATE
COULD THIS BE A METAPHOR
FOR YOU ACTING LIKE A WHORE
GIVING A PRIZE TO EVERY COMPETITOR
ABOUT AS SINCERE AS DREW BARRYMORE
Good enough for Government work. Like I said, just wanted something to hang the music on. I can tweak it later. I got the melody in my head, now I just have to figure out some chords…And then do it nine more times.
No problem.
Their web-site is here: http://www.rpmchallenge.com/ if you want to check it our, or even sign-up.
I want to use The Stools for this project, but we are trying to learn a ton of new songs for our live set and I don’t want to confuse them with even more songs that I haven’t even written yet. I guess we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it, as they say. First things first: I gotta send an email out to my old friend Paul who’s got a funky little studio that would be perfect for this kind of project and see if he’d be interested.
Actually, first things first, maybe a should write some songs. It can’t be any of the old stuff. We’re on the honor system here and they’ve all gotta be fresh caught songs. Hmmmm….
I keep a list of titles for songs that I might want to write some day, so I’ll just go through it and pick the first 10 that appeal to me. Actually, I’m only going to pick 9 because I was talking with Dan Margarita on Facebook the other day about the history of the talking blues, and that got me in the mood to write a talking blues, so one tenth of my list is done.
TALKING BLUES
Ok, now for the other nine, in no particular order:
GOOD ENUF
HER FLOWERS ARE MY WEEDS
LAZY MAN’S LOAD
ONE EYED KING
ROOT HOG OR DIE
FLAVOR OF THE WEAK
SHOES BY THE HIGHWAY
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOND I MARRIED?
THE JUKEBOX LIED AGAIN
Now there’s an album worth of titles. I’m always confused when musicians take so long between albums. You just sit down and do it. Get it out of the way. Money where your mouth is time. Let’s knock the first song on the list, GOOD ENUF, off right now. Of course, the lyrics might get tweaked a little as it is recorded, but I just want to come up with a frame to start hanging the music on.
The Grammys were last night and I can’t imagine any of Lady Ga Ga’s songs took more than a half hour to write. So let’s jump in. Free associate. Lady “If I Lead with My Vagina Maybe They Won’t Notice I Have No Talent” Ga Ga.... Grammys… Award shows… Phonies… Here we go….
GOOD ENUF
(Norris)
IT’S AN HONOR JUST TO BE A NOMINEE
THAT’S GOOD ENUF FOR ME
GIVE THE AWARD LITTLE GEORGE CLOONEY
IT’S JUST A PLEASURE TO BE IN HIS COMPANY
I DIDN’T EVEN PREPARE A SPEECH
WINNING SEEMED SO OUT OF REACH
WHEN YOU’RE UP AGAINST A BALDWIN AND THE KID WHO PLAYED SCREECH
HELL, THAT’S NO DAY AT THE BEACH
WHY DO I COME HERE, THE FOOD AIN’T THAT GREAT
MY SENSE OF IMPORTANCE IS STARTING TO DEFLATE
COULD THIS BE A METAPHOR
FOR YOU ACTING LIKE A WHORE
GIVING A PRIZE TO EVERY COMPETITOR
ABOUT AS SINCERE AS DREW BARRYMORE
2010 DUTCHCO MUSIC/BMI
Good enough for Government work. Like I said, just wanted something to hang the music on. I can tweak it later. I got the melody in my head, now I just have to figure out some chords…And then do it nine more times.
No problem.
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