SOMA SOMA SOMA CHAMELEON

 

“This Halloween, don’t be a Nosferatu, be a Yesferatu…” – Lance Norris, After-Life Coach

Among my many hats, the one I wear with the most aplomb is that of After-Life Coach. There’s a lot more to being Dead than just laying around, if you want to do it right. Of course, sometimes the Dead are just dead tired and that’s understandable, but you’ve got make the effort if you want to make it a Happily Ever Hereafter.

‘You do what now?’ – Let me give you some examples:

How many times have we seen the Dead (I won’t use the pejorative ‘Zombie’ out of an abundance of respect for my clientele, and more importantly, potential constituency) stumbling down the road, across the foggy dell, dragging themselves from a dank grave; with torn, frayed, or other desultory clothes? The threadbare and unkept cadaver is one Trope we can do without, thank you very much.

Little known fact; 63% of Old Navy’s Brick and Mortar customers are the Dead, so why not stop off and get yourself a sharp pair of Built-In Flex Modern Jogger Pants and a Dobby-Stripe Short Sleeve Camp Shirt or maybe a Gender-Neutral Distressed Non-Stretch Jean Jacket and loose-Fit Chest-Pocket Rotation T-Shirt before you set out in search of brains (Pro Tip: you won’t find a whole lot of them behind the counter at Old Navy)…

And what is with the diet? Brains, brains, brains, maybe a neck tendon ripped out on the way to more brains. Sure, the mammalian brain is rich in DHA, a salient omega-3 fatty acid, but so are trout, eggs and yogurt. Heck, toss some nice Garlic Butter Shrimp at yourself, just for a change of pace. There are plenty of omega options.

Also, depending on the diet of the person you harvest the brain from, the cerebrum can be very high in cholesterol. You’re already dead, you don’t need a stroke on top of it.

Any Trump Rube can moan, lament, and grunt a monosyllabic vocabulary across their cavernous embouchement. Set yourself apart from the peck with the palaver, cant and phraseology of a Yale Man, or at least the word-hoard of a Harvard undergrad. There are more Dead Ivy League Alumni than there are Alive, and there is no reason your lexicon couldn’t allow you to be confounded for one of their number.

And what’s with the skin, buddy? Dry, withered, desiccated dermis. Pallid, ashen, occasionally viridescent somewhere between blue and yellow tegument. It’s the skin you’re in, my friend. Just because you’re lifeless it is no time to give up on your skin care regiment. In fact, that’s the time to step it up. Hydrate, moisturize, clean with lukewarm water and a mild soap, dry with a microfiber face towel and for the love of God and all that is Unholy, invest in a humidifier.

Of course, one issue all Dead deal with is the stank. Bacteria is breaking down your flesh and skin care can help, but you’re going rot. That’s just a fact of the After-Life. The good news is it is a temporary condition. Eventually you will become what we in the trade call a ‘Dry Dead’, that is, the bacillus have eaten all they can, and what is left of you is a dry, brittle husk that is relatively stankless. The trick is to get through that initial putrefied corpse phase.

Over-the-counter deodorants are not going to cut it. Baking Soda or Apple Cider Vinegar might help, just don’t use them at the same time, you’ll foam up like a kid’s half-assed science project. You’re facing enough hurdles as the perished, you don’t need people thinking you’ve got rabies too.

The best advice I can give the expired on the stank is, use a couple dabs of oil, sweet almond is my favorite, but any good essential oil should help. You will be the Dry Dead soon, just hang in there, and whatever you do, don’t use pajuil oil. Your loved ones have suffered enough on your account. Don’t add pajuil on top of it.

I also find that the Dead always seem to have boundary issues, other people’s not their own. Just because you’ve departed that doesn’t mean you no longer need to be self-aware. Know your worth (if you’ve taken care of yourself a human body can be worth as much as $550,000, striped down for parts) and value other people. Always get consent before you rip into someone’s flesh with your teeth and respect their decision. No always means No!

This is hard work because you, as the Dead, are prone to indiscriminate violence. Now lamented, you no longer have the capacity for consciousness or remorse and your emptiness drives you, but that’s just hunger gnawing away at where your stomach used to live. Drinking Green Tea or even just plain water can act as an appetite suppressant. Maybe a little deep breathing, or some exercise will help. Of course, that brings up a whole different issue, The ‘Zombie Walk’.

You would think that there is some kind of international undertaker’s conspiracy to place sticks up the ass of all of the dead the way you people walk. Nothing but laziness is all it is. Loosen the gate, pal. If you have to, warm up first. Try a little Yoga or even Pilates. Walk in a slightly crouched position, keep your body compact and distribute your weight evenly so you’re not so clunky.

And finally, the Dead are rather aloof. I mean, who wouldn’t be, the day you’ve had, but that is no reason to be emotionally unavailable. Make time for your partner, make their needs and feelings equal to your own. Take responsibility for your emotions and above all, communicate.

If you are having trouble communicating, this is on you, and you have to work on yourself. Do not, and I repeat, do not seek out some charlatan housewife from New Jersey who claims to talk to the Dead as a short cut for yourself. It’s a sham. They do not talk to the Dead. They just want to con you out of your money. Come on, you’re dead not dead stupid.