The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation just released their third annual ?Network Responsibility Index?, as if the networks had a responsibility to any one special interest group. It?s rather telling that HBO led the list and were rated as ?good? because there was a 42% representation of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people on the network, while CBS came in last and got a ?failing? grade with only 5% of their characters being openly lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (and they only got that because of a couple of smoes on SURVIVOR and THE AMAZING RACE).
NBC also got a failing grade with 8% ?LGBT? representation last season, but they plan to bump things up a notch with some hot lesbian action being added to HEROES later this year. A senior spokeslesbiangaybisexualtransgender said ?We hope that CBS and NBC will be able to better reflect the American scenes on their shows?.
Granted, CBS?s 5% is pretty bad, but CBS has pretty much sucked at everything they?ve ever tried to do and I?m a stock holder so I can say that. What I don?t get is why HBO is only rated as ?good? with 42% representation? I?m told only 10% of America is LGBT, so I?d say 42% is a little more than ?good?. In fact, it?s going overboard. It?s gayer than Lifetime for the love of God and all that?s holy.
I say CBS blows the doors off GLAAD next season with a couple of little tweeks:
Doogie Howser is already gaying up HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, but what if John Cryer finally came out of the closet on TWO AND A HALF MEN?
Would it be that big of a leap for David Caruso to spoon with a fella or two once a week on whichever CSI he?s on?
NUMB3RS, a show about a cop that is really, really good at math is already a pretty gay show, not a whole lot left to do there; but THE MENTALIST is real dreamy, very clean and doesn?t have a girlfriend. You don?t have to be able to read Rip Taylor?s mind to see where this is going. And who hasn?t thought a little girl or girl action would be just the thing for MEDIUM? ?I sleep with dead people?. Does GLAAD cover necrophilia or do they have their own paramilitary terror-lobbyist?
Come on CBS. This is 2009. Leaving a few unasked questions about Jessica?s long time companion on MURDER SHE WROTE isn?t enough. Either one of the NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE involves D-rings, a flannel shirt and tickets to a kd Lang show, or we?re talking boycott.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
This Just In...
This is why I'd never make it in the Hollywood Studio System: Sony just extended their contract with Michael De Luca becasue they are so happy with the work he's done for them as producer. He's the guy that brought us THE LOVE GURU, GHOST FIDER, ZATHURA: A SPACE ADVENTURE and A MAN APART and yet Sony just renewed his 'first look' deal through 2001 because, as Amy Pascal (co-chairman of Sony Pictures) says, 'He brings us fantastic projects... and he so loooves movies'. The extra 'o's in loves are hers.
Due, only in part I'm sure, to the hits Sony took on De Luca's choate folio of films, Sony laid off 3.5% of their workforce earlier this year, but hey, Mike loooves movies, so that's ok. Maybe his Paul Bettany vehicle, PRIEST, will turn things around for Sony. It sure smells like a winner. It's about a reble priest who tosses off the yolk of church law and tracks down the vampires who kidnapped his niece... I shit you not.
Due, only in part I'm sure, to the hits Sony took on De Luca's choate folio of films, Sony laid off 3.5% of their workforce earlier this year, but hey, Mike loooves movies, so that's ok. Maybe his Paul Bettany vehicle, PRIEST, will turn things around for Sony. It sure smells like a winner. It's about a reble priest who tosses off the yolk of church law and tracks down the vampires who kidnapped his niece... I shit you not.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Daddy Dearest Redux
I have always maintained that Top Ten Lists are short hand for thinking, and have avoided them like George Lucas should avoid writing love scenes; so you can imagine my reaction when Barry Nolan's producer, Gary, asked me to come on Nightbeat the other night and give a Top Ten Father's Day Movies List. I sat right down and put finger to keyboard to come up with a list.
Number one is simple, 1983's MR. MOM. Written by the great John Hughes and directed by Stan Dragoti, the guy who gave us the American remake of THE MAN WITH ONE RED SHOE and LOVE AT FIRST BITE. Before he was a director of mildly amusing, mid-80's cheese, Dragoti spend the 70's married to Cheryl Tiegs. That's when Tiegs was still hot, so he is obviously a man to whom attention should be paid.
Number one is simple, 1983's MR. MOM. Written by the great John Hughes and directed by Stan Dragoti, the guy who gave us the American remake of THE MAN WITH ONE RED SHOE and LOVE AT FIRST BITE. Before he was a director of mildly amusing, mid-80's cheese, Dragoti spend the 70's married to Cheryl Tiegs. That's when Tiegs was still hot, so he is obviously a man to whom attention should be paid.
The cast of MR. MOM was perfect. Michael Keaton before he had thoughts of getting sober and becoming 'an actor'. Teri Garr as the mom before she started looking like a mom. The lovely and talented Martin Mull and Jeffrey Tambor. It's also the film that added the phrase "220, 221, whatever it takes" to our vernacular, and for that we will be forever in debt.
Another John Hughes script from 1983 came in at number 2. Based on a short story he wrote for National Lampoon back in 1979, VACATION. An ode to those nightmarish trips we all suffered when dad would pack the tribe into the Family Funster and we'd all head off for adventure. Chevy Chase was that loveable lug of a dad we all wish we had, while Beverly D'Angelo was the Madonna/Whore of a mother Dr. Freud claims we all wanted. Harold Ramis directed this one before he got sober and became 'a director'.
Unfortunately he didn't direct this one before test audiences started to rule Hollywood. A test audience strongly disapproved of the movie's original ending, where Chevy take Roy Wally and his whole family hostage and forces them to dance for his entertainment, and they had to re-shoot a new, lighter ending, featuring John Candy. It's not a bad ending, but Anthony Michael Hall had a three inch growth spurt after principle photography was over, which is why Rusty starts the film the same height as his mom, but towers over her once the reach the amusement park.
VACATION might be dismissed as easy to churn out, light comedic piffle, but go watch THE JOHNSON’S FAMILY VACATION and you'll see just how hard it is to make a family trip funny. Chevy Chase made it work three times before he slammed into the wall with VEGAS VACATION. Cedric The Entertainer crashed and burned before he even got out of the driveway.
While Chevy was the father we wished we had had , Randy Quaid's Uncle Eddie is, unfortunately, the father many of us ended up with, which leads us to Top Ten Father's Day Movie number 3, THE GREAT SANTINI.
Pat Conroy has long be one of my favorite novelist. My oldest daughter is named after the suicidal poet, Savannah, in Conroy's "Prince of Tides". But 12 years before Barbara Streisand turned that book into a star turn for her finger nails, Lewis John Carlino played way over his head and brought us THE GREAT SANTINI (or THE ACE depending on when you first saw it). He also brought Oscar Nominations to Robert Duvall and Michael O'Keefe. Yes, Danny Noonan was once nominated for an Oscar!
Not only is THE GREAT SANTINI a great study on the struggle between and boy and his father, it's the film debut of David Keith, and without David Keith we wouldn't have... Well, David Keith actually hasn't done much that Kiefer Sutherland or Gary Buesy couldn't have handled in his absence, but the movie is a great reminder that Blythe Danner was actually something before she became known as just Gwenyth Paltrow's mom.
The home used in the movie is known as the Edgar Fripp Home. I love houses that are know by names. My is just "that place with the farmer's porch where the old crank lives". The Edgar Fripp House is the same house in South Carolina that Lawrence Kasdan would use to film THE BIG CHILL. I only mention THE BIG CHILL because Kasdan also wrote the script for perhaps the ultimate Father's Day Movie: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. The only reason Empire didn't make my Top Ten List is my pangborn hatred of George Lucas.
Number four on the list was 1973's PAPER MOON, a true family affair from the get go. Back when John Huston was going to direct it, he wanted Paul Newman and his real life daughter Nell Potts to star in it. Too bad Potts didn't take the role, because the movie won Tatum O'Neal a Best Supporting Actress Oscar (beating out fellow cast member Madeline Kahn) and started years of resentment from her co-star, real life dad Ryan O'Neal.
Directed by Hollywood's ultimate name-dropper, Peter Bogdanovich; a guy who knows a thing or two about 'Daddy Issues'. He was young Dorothy Stratten's boyfriend when she was murdered by her husband (a story of betrayal/murder/suicide/necrophlia entertainingly told in Bob Fosse's STAR 80, and the reason Mariel Hemingway got implants). Bogdanovich then married Stratten's little sister, the 19 year-old Louise, a move that sceeved out most people, even those in Hollywood, a people that aren't sceeved out easy. But before Bogdanovich became James Stewart in VERTIGO, he made PAPER MOON, a classic in the Black and White, Father/Daughter, Traveling Con Man in the Depression Era genre.
PAPER MOON’S script was by Alvin Sargent, who also wrote WHAT ABOUT BOB? which almost made this list but didn't, mostly because I didn't feel like watching it again. Alvin Sargent's brother was the great Herb Sargent, who was an original writer on Saturday Night Live along with Chevy Chase, and Chevy Chase was supposed to play Lester Burnham in AMERICAN BEAUTY, the movie that came in number five on my Father's Day Movie List.
Talk about Oscar bait. Director Sam Mendes got one. Kevin Spacey got one (for the role that rightfully should have been Chevy's). Annette Bening got herself nominated for this movie, and Mena Suvari should have gotten one, just for being Mena Suvari. Alan Ball also got an Oscar for his screenplay. He used to write for the TV show "Cybill", which starred another of Bogdanovich's girlfriends, Cybill Shepard. There are those that argue Paul Snider killed the wrong girlfriend.
Add to that the fact that AMERICAN BEAUTY’s Lester Burnham is an anagram for "Humbert learns", a tip of the hat to Professor Humbert in Stanley Kubrick's LOLITA (oh and the novel too, I guess), and LOLITA was remade in 1997 by Adrian Lyne, and Adrian Lyne directed FOXES with starred Randy Quaid, who was everyone else's dad in VACATION and the symmetry becomes almost too much to bare.
Peter Bogdanovich rears his pointed head again on our list, because he was one of the many names Robert Evans approached to direct number six: THE GODFATHER. Thankfully, Bogdanovich turned him down and the movie fell to Francis Ford Coppola by default.
Easily the bloodiest of all my Father's Day movies, with a body count of 18, including a horse, The Godfather may be the ultimate in familial commitment. The cast list all most reads like a who's who of Actors in the 70's. Marlon Brando, James Cann, Al Pacino, Robert Duvall; all the big guns got Oscar nominations, and Brando even won, although he had a phony Indian squaw accept it for him. The only guy missing from the first Godfather was Robert DeNiro, but he got even. He beat them all out on my list by starring in The Number Three Father's Day Movie of All Time: CAPE FEAR.
Not the original CAPE FEAR, but the one that Martin Scorsese made in 1991 with DeNiro, Nick Nolte, Jessica Lange and Juliette Lewis. Based on the novel "The Executioners" by the great John D. MacDonald, it's unbelievable that this movie's screenplay was written by the same guy that wrote THE SAINT. CAPE FEAR hammers on the fears of every father, and that thumb sucking scene between DeNiro and Juliette Lewis got them both nominated for Oscars. Nick Nolte got nothing on the other hand, except for his mistress beat up, his houseboat sunk and his dog killed. But that's ok, because Nolte was also in Father's Day Movie Number Three: I’LL DO ANYTHING.
You might have missed this one. It snuck out under the radar in 1994, with Nick Nolte as the unsuspecting dad to an amazing Whittni Wright. Directed by James L. Brooks, the guy that helped bring The Simpsons, Mary Tyler Moore and Taxi to TV (but then again, he's also the guy that directed SPANGLISH, so what can you do?). Organically the movie was a musical, with songs by Prince, but again, test audiences hated it and the songs were removed. Script Dr. Elaine "Ishtar" May was brought in to neuter the screenplay but still, some brilliant moments shine through and like I said, the little girl, Whittni Wright, who went on to star in Jean-Claude Van Damme's hockey movie SUDDEN DEATH and then disappeared, was amazing. Not a dry eye in the house at then end, but then I am an old softy.
I thought long and hard before picking the last movie on my list. So many greats to choice from. Classics like the first FATHER OF THE BRIDE or FATHER GOOSE. Modern crap like FATHER‘S DAY. Maybe THE SHINNING or DADDY DAYCARE "? Anything by Steven Spielberg has it's share of father issues in it, but when the dust settled I went with 1995's BYE BYE, LOVE.
Built around an actual McDonald's in upstate New York that is famous for being the exchange point for kids between divorced couples when their weekend visits are over, BYE BYE, LOVE has Matthew Modine heading a great cast that includes Paul Reiser and Eliza Dushku (even Janeane Garofalo is stomachable in this movie), but what makes this movie so good isn't just the examination of the effects of divorce on the relationship between fathers and their kids and the family paradigm, but the fact that it was directed by Sam Weisman, the greatest director to ever speak through a bullhorn and crack a riding crop, and he is currently in pre-production on THE MIRACLE OF ST. ANTHONY and I really want him to cast me. Please, please, please?
BYE BYE, LOVE also co-stars Randy Quaid, that's the third time he's shown up on the list and thus makes him the best cinematic dad ever. Sorry, can't argue with scientific evidence.
Hey, wait a minute, you might ask. That's only nine. That's right, because Top Ten List are mental short hand. A Top Nine List is an exercise in discipline. Something the Great Santini would have liked. You have been warned. Happy Father's Day
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Just Another Reason To Hate SEARS
Real live, hot off the griddle, correspondence between SEARS and myself:
I am emailing you because I tried to call your 1-800-960-9405 number and the woman transferred me to another number and after 15 minutes on hold and the retelling of my story, I was told there was nothing she could do about it and gave me another number to call. For a preferred member, you guys are really giving me the run around here.
I took my Chevy S-10 into your auto center in Kingston, MA on 4/7/09 because there was a loud noise coming from the underside of the truck. They told me that it was the exhaust pipe and it just needed to be welded. I was told it would take about an hour and a half. Two hours later I came back to the store and was told that they were waiting on gasket and then your salesman went on to sell me windshield wipers and other stuff that I really didn’t need.
Two hours later my truck was ready. I paid, got in and drove off, but the noise was still there once I got on the highway. I returned with the truck on the 13th, my first free morning. They told me that it was the right front barring that was making the noise and they would have to order the part. I told them to order the part and I would pay for it today (the 13th) and bring the truck back on the 14th to get the work done, so we weren’t sitting around waiting all day.
I brought the truck in on the 14th and was told it would take about two hours. I returned two hours later and was told that it wasn’t ready because they were waiting on a special tool to be delivered so they could get started. I asked why the tool wasn’t ordered yesterday when I paid for the part (to avoid this kind of waste of time) and was not given an answer.
Two hours later they were done and I paid for the labor and on my way out the door, the salesman told me, he changed the right front barring, but it the left front barring that is making the noise No manager was on duty so I asked that the manager call me at home as soon as he got it (which I was told would be the 15th).
I started my truck and my ABS light for the brakes came on! So, not only have I spent hundreds of dollars and several hours and not gotten the repairs I asked for, now my ABS light is on. Today is the 20th and I have still not heard from the manager of the auto center in Kingston, MA. I would like to hear from him/her. I would like to be told that you will order the part and tool to fix my truck as we first agreed. I would like an appointment to have the service completed and I expect that some of the mark-up on the bill will be knocked off for all the time you wasted for your preferred member #704207336253. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Lance Norris
PO Box 110
Cohasset, MA 02025
lancernorris@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:56:43 -0500
From: Custrel@customerservice.sears.com
To: lancernorris@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: National Customer Relations - NC_Complaint_Management (KMM3799310I15977L0KM)
Dear Lance Norris,
Thank you for your recent correspondence regarding your experience with our Kingston, MA auto center. We are always interested in hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation that prompted you to contact us. We apologize for the poor customer service you received. We have forwarded your message to the Auto Center Manager. They will contact you within two (2) business days. Once again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
Jennifer W.,
National Customer Relations
Sears Holdings Corporation
4/23/09:
You wrote on Monday the 20th that the manager in Kingston would contact me within two (2) business days. It is now Thursday the 23rd and I still have not heard from anyone. Why am I surprised? You have damaged my truck and I expect it to be repaired correctly.
Lance Norris
From: Sears Customer Relations (Custrel@customerservice.sears.com)
Sent: Thu 4/23/09 12:26 PM
Dear Lance Norris,
Thank you for your recent correspondence. We are always interested in hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation that prompted you to contact us. Please accept our apology for any inconvenience you may have encountered with our Kingston Auto Center. We received a response from the auto center, and we feel that you should try to work this out with the Auto Manager.
By sharing your concerns, you have enabled us to address the issues and provide feedback to the appropriate person. Truly, your remarks provide forthright feedback that will enable Sears to achieve excellence in everything we do.
Again, we apologize for this inconvenience to you regarding your vehicle.
Sincerely,
Rosa Lee
National Customer Relations
Sears Holdings Corporation
15 minutes later I wrote:
"try to work this out with the Auto Manager"? He won't call me. Rosa, you need to straighten this out right now!
From: Sears Customer Relations (Custrel@customerservice.sears.com)
Sent: Thu 4/23/09 3:00 PM
Dear Lance Norris,
Thank you for your recent correspondence. We are always interested in hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation that prompted you to contact us. We apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced and understand your frustration with the Kingston Sears Auto Center.
We received the following response from the Sears Auto Center Manager: Lance was here on the 14th to have his wheel bearing installed. It was ordered the day before and was waiting for him when he arrived. However the tech didn't have the proper socket to remove the old hub. So he went next door to borrow one. The job was completed in the 2 hour time frame that he was quoted. However when the tech drove the car after the service he noticed some noise coming from the other wheel bearing. We informed the customer of this at time of pick up. There is no possible way we could have found this prior to changing the other side because of the loud grinding that was coming from the bearing we changed. The other side had no play but was noisy. At that time the customer got mad, threatened to burn down the building, and left.
Once again, we apologize for your experience with the ABS lights. We appreciate your business, and value you as a customer. We certainly hope you will continue to make Sears Holdings Corporation your choice for quality and value.
Sincerely,
Brooke G.
National Customer Relations
Sears Holdings Corporation
At 5:16 I wrote:
I am looking at the invoice for the 14th right now. As it clearly shows the truck came in at 10:09 AM and the invoice was printed at 2:10PM . Add to that the fact that I returned for the trunk at 12:00 noon and was told they were waiting on the tool, I think we can state that your manager is either a liar or does not know how to tell time.
As far as his ‘threatened to burn down the building’ crack, that was a response to the salesman’s ramblings earlier in the morning about he was joining the military to ‘burn things down’. I suggested that if he really wanted to burn something down to help America, he should start with this auto shop. The manager was not in the shop, so he is just repeating a third hand statement and you might want to better screen your sales help.
Towards that end, as your manager has never spoken to me in person and refuses to call me, even after I was told my his staff that I would hear from him the next day and then by your office that I would hear from him in two business days, you might need to pull him in for a little more management training. He does not act like a team leader.
My ‘experience with the ABS lights’, as you call it, is that I brought my truck into your shop for work and when it was returned to me, the ABS light was on. Your apologizes aside, what does Sears plan to do that? If you did damage my breaks, they need to be repaired.
I noticed that you removed your ‘satisfaction guaranteed’ slogan. I was told earlier that this was, because of your steady decline in performance, quality and service, you can no longer stand behind your work; but I have always discounted that as an urban myth, like how Kentucky Fried Chicken stopped using real chicken in their meals, which is why they shorted the name to KFC. Please prove me right and take care of this problem in a timely manner.
You think they’ll help a brother out? Na, I don’t either.
I am emailing you because I tried to call your 1-800-960-9405 number and the woman transferred me to another number and after 15 minutes on hold and the retelling of my story, I was told there was nothing she could do about it and gave me another number to call. For a preferred member, you guys are really giving me the run around here.
I took my Chevy S-10 into your auto center in Kingston, MA on 4/7/09 because there was a loud noise coming from the underside of the truck. They told me that it was the exhaust pipe and it just needed to be welded. I was told it would take about an hour and a half. Two hours later I came back to the store and was told that they were waiting on gasket and then your salesman went on to sell me windshield wipers and other stuff that I really didn’t need.
Two hours later my truck was ready. I paid, got in and drove off, but the noise was still there once I got on the highway. I returned with the truck on the 13th, my first free morning. They told me that it was the right front barring that was making the noise and they would have to order the part. I told them to order the part and I would pay for it today (the 13th) and bring the truck back on the 14th to get the work done, so we weren’t sitting around waiting all day.
I brought the truck in on the 14th and was told it would take about two hours. I returned two hours later and was told that it wasn’t ready because they were waiting on a special tool to be delivered so they could get started. I asked why the tool wasn’t ordered yesterday when I paid for the part (to avoid this kind of waste of time) and was not given an answer.
Two hours later they were done and I paid for the labor and on my way out the door, the salesman told me, he changed the right front barring, but it the left front barring that is making the noise No manager was on duty so I asked that the manager call me at home as soon as he got it (which I was told would be the 15th).
I started my truck and my ABS light for the brakes came on! So, not only have I spent hundreds of dollars and several hours and not gotten the repairs I asked for, now my ABS light is on. Today is the 20th and I have still not heard from the manager of the auto center in Kingston, MA. I would like to hear from him/her. I would like to be told that you will order the part and tool to fix my truck as we first agreed. I would like an appointment to have the service completed and I expect that some of the mark-up on the bill will be knocked off for all the time you wasted for your preferred member #704207336253. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Lance Norris
PO Box 110
Cohasset, MA 02025
lancernorris@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:56:43 -0500
From: Custrel@customerservice.sears.com
To: lancernorris@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: National Customer Relations - NC_Complaint_Management (KMM3799310I15977L0KM)
Dear Lance Norris,
Thank you for your recent correspondence regarding your experience with our Kingston, MA auto center. We are always interested in hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation that prompted you to contact us. We apologize for the poor customer service you received. We have forwarded your message to the Auto Center Manager. They will contact you within two (2) business days. Once again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
Jennifer W.,
National Customer Relations
Sears Holdings Corporation
4/23/09:
You wrote on Monday the 20th that the manager in Kingston would contact me within two (2) business days. It is now Thursday the 23rd and I still have not heard from anyone. Why am I surprised? You have damaged my truck and I expect it to be repaired correctly.
Lance Norris
From: Sears Customer Relations (Custrel@customerservice.sears.com)
Sent: Thu 4/23/09 12:26 PM
Dear Lance Norris,
Thank you for your recent correspondence. We are always interested in hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation that prompted you to contact us. Please accept our apology for any inconvenience you may have encountered with our Kingston Auto Center. We received a response from the auto center, and we feel that you should try to work this out with the Auto Manager.
By sharing your concerns, you have enabled us to address the issues and provide feedback to the appropriate person. Truly, your remarks provide forthright feedback that will enable Sears to achieve excellence in everything we do.
Again, we apologize for this inconvenience to you regarding your vehicle.
Sincerely,
Rosa Lee
National Customer Relations
Sears Holdings Corporation
15 minutes later I wrote:
"try to work this out with the Auto Manager"? He won't call me. Rosa, you need to straighten this out right now!
From: Sears Customer Relations (Custrel@customerservice.sears.com)
Sent: Thu 4/23/09 3:00 PM
Dear Lance Norris,
Thank you for your recent correspondence. We are always interested in hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation that prompted you to contact us. We apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced and understand your frustration with the Kingston Sears Auto Center.
We received the following response from the Sears Auto Center Manager: Lance was here on the 14th to have his wheel bearing installed. It was ordered the day before and was waiting for him when he arrived. However the tech didn't have the proper socket to remove the old hub. So he went next door to borrow one. The job was completed in the 2 hour time frame that he was quoted. However when the tech drove the car after the service he noticed some noise coming from the other wheel bearing. We informed the customer of this at time of pick up. There is no possible way we could have found this prior to changing the other side because of the loud grinding that was coming from the bearing we changed. The other side had no play but was noisy. At that time the customer got mad, threatened to burn down the building, and left.
Once again, we apologize for your experience with the ABS lights. We appreciate your business, and value you as a customer. We certainly hope you will continue to make Sears Holdings Corporation your choice for quality and value.
Sincerely,
Brooke G.
National Customer Relations
Sears Holdings Corporation
At 5:16 I wrote:
I am looking at the invoice for the 14th right now. As it clearly shows the truck came in at 10:09 AM and the invoice was printed at 2:10PM . Add to that the fact that I returned for the trunk at 12:00 noon and was told they were waiting on the tool, I think we can state that your manager is either a liar or does not know how to tell time.
As far as his ‘threatened to burn down the building’ crack, that was a response to the salesman’s ramblings earlier in the morning about he was joining the military to ‘burn things down’. I suggested that if he really wanted to burn something down to help America, he should start with this auto shop. The manager was not in the shop, so he is just repeating a third hand statement and you might want to better screen your sales help.
Towards that end, as your manager has never spoken to me in person and refuses to call me, even after I was told my his staff that I would hear from him the next day and then by your office that I would hear from him in two business days, you might need to pull him in for a little more management training. He does not act like a team leader.
My ‘experience with the ABS lights’, as you call it, is that I brought my truck into your shop for work and when it was returned to me, the ABS light was on. Your apologizes aside, what does Sears plan to do that? If you did damage my breaks, they need to be repaired.
I noticed that you removed your ‘satisfaction guaranteed’ slogan. I was told earlier that this was, because of your steady decline in performance, quality and service, you can no longer stand behind your work; but I have always discounted that as an urban myth, like how Kentucky Fried Chicken stopped using real chicken in their meals, which is why they shorted the name to KFC. Please prove me right and take care of this problem in a timely manner.
You think they’ll help a brother out? Na, I don’t either.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Dream Casting
So, here I am, all set to move forward with the romantic comedy script when life has other plans. An old friend interested me in turning one of my old plays into a very small movie. Budgets were made, schedules were blocked out, vodka companies were contacted about product placement, but then it all changed over night.
An actor I sort of knew from a long time ago, who was a major TV star in his time, got a hold of the script based on my play and liked it. He actually would be great in the lead role and no real changes would need to be made to accommodate him. He did have a few suggestion for tweaks, but these were film maker suggestions (as he had directed a feature before as well) and not those pain the ass actorly suggestion you normally get.
Although I’ll drop a name at the drop of a hat, he will remain nameless for now because no deals have been signed and I don’t want to scotch things up. Let me say this though, he’s got that certain charm that some actors have, to be able to pull off a role that may not be the most likeable character you come across. The anti-Seth Rogan as it were.
Rogan’s new movie OBSERVE AND REPORT is a text book example of why all lead characters must have some sort of redeeming quality, or the actor playing him must leak charisma out of his gills to make the part work. Rogan’s character had nothing in him to like and Rogan himself is pretty much a zero if you’re not stone, so OBSERVE AND REPORT became a painfully long experience.
So anyway, now old budgets are throw out the window, schedules scrapped and owner of vodka company suddenly knows an actress who would love a chance to audition. Now that we’re talking about kicking the budget up a few notches, but still not serious money; I feel it is time for me to step away from producing end of things and bring in a guy I’ve been trying to find a project to do with for four or five years.
Again, we’ve signed no deals, so no names will be mentioned at this point.
I was of the opinion that I could still make this pig for under $200,000 so we’d still qualify for a SAG Low Budget contract, but my producer friend thinks not only does the film need a bigger budget than that, but that he can raise the funds. I’ve already stepped away from the producer’s table, so who am I to argue.
Of course it would be nice if we could pencil into the budget some way for me to walk away from the film when it is done with a brand new Red Camera, but hey, that’s just a $17,000 suggestion.
What happens to project when a ‘name’ actor shows interest is interesting in itself. Now all the sudden you start ‘dream casting’ the other part. A Fantasy Film League, as it were. Steve Carrell would be perfect for the second lead, and he just lives down the street from me, so I send him a note.
Academy Award winner Chris Cooper would be perfect as the heavy. I performed at a couple of fund raisers for his Jessie Cooper Foundation and his wife Maryanne is really nice person, so I sent him a note.
My new producer suggested Evan Rachel Wood for the female lead. I really liked her in THE UP SIDE OF ANGER, LIFE BEFORE HER EYES and the 35 minutes of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE that I could stand to sit through, so; although she doesn’t live near me and I don’t recall ever having spoken to her before, I’ll have to try to get in touch with her too. Why not?
There is another part that would be perfect for my old friend Patty Ross. I’ve got her phone number around here somewhere, so once when have a shooting schedule, calls will be made.
See, it’s easy to cast a motion picture. Of course, I haven’t heard back from Carrell or Cooper yet, and still haven’t talked to Wood, but I found Patty’s number. That’s a start.
I did email and old friend that runs a casting agency to find out what it cost to run auditions in Boston for 10 characters. She gave me the ballpark and after I pulled my jaw back off the floor, I told her I’d pass the numbers along to my producer.
But she also told me something that depressed the hell out of me. She said it has been her experience that I’d still have to do some of the casting out of New York if I wanted the best cast I could get. I refuse to believe there isn’t enough home grown, natural talent in the Boston area to cast this movie, even if Carrell and Cooper let me down.
In fact, I vow right now to only cast ‘Boston Actors’ in this film, just to prove it can be done… With the exception of Evan Rachel Wood. She gets grandfathered in because her name was brought up before I got on my high horse… And I want my friend Jack, who lives in New York to be in it because he taught most everything I know about acting, for good or bad…. But that’s it.
Now I’m running through my mind all the actors I know from around here. This could be hard, but not impossible. In fact, I’ll put a call into Mike O’Malley right now. He’s Hollywood these days, but still a local boy at heart. He’s be great in one of the parts… Damn, voice mail. I’ll try again later.
Because I’m still trying to keep this as skin and bones on the budget as I can, it was written to be shot at two major locations. Tomorrow I’ll head out to Plymouth, MA to scout those locations.
Allegedly they are going to build some huge film studio in Plymouth in a couple of years. I’ve seen THE MUSIC MAN once too often to actually buy into that, but it has got the area thinking that they are going to become Hollywood East, and so right now they are very friendly to film makers. This will all change once they’ve been burnt once or twice by scum bag production managers, but right now it clean slate.
I’ll let you know how that turns out.
An actor I sort of knew from a long time ago, who was a major TV star in his time, got a hold of the script based on my play and liked it. He actually would be great in the lead role and no real changes would need to be made to accommodate him. He did have a few suggestion for tweaks, but these were film maker suggestions (as he had directed a feature before as well) and not those pain the ass actorly suggestion you normally get.
Although I’ll drop a name at the drop of a hat, he will remain nameless for now because no deals have been signed and I don’t want to scotch things up. Let me say this though, he’s got that certain charm that some actors have, to be able to pull off a role that may not be the most likeable character you come across. The anti-Seth Rogan as it were.
Rogan’s new movie OBSERVE AND REPORT is a text book example of why all lead characters must have some sort of redeeming quality, or the actor playing him must leak charisma out of his gills to make the part work. Rogan’s character had nothing in him to like and Rogan himself is pretty much a zero if you’re not stone, so OBSERVE AND REPORT became a painfully long experience.
So anyway, now old budgets are throw out the window, schedules scrapped and owner of vodka company suddenly knows an actress who would love a chance to audition. Now that we’re talking about kicking the budget up a few notches, but still not serious money; I feel it is time for me to step away from producing end of things and bring in a guy I’ve been trying to find a project to do with for four or five years.
Again, we’ve signed no deals, so no names will be mentioned at this point.
I was of the opinion that I could still make this pig for under $200,000 so we’d still qualify for a SAG Low Budget contract, but my producer friend thinks not only does the film need a bigger budget than that, but that he can raise the funds. I’ve already stepped away from the producer’s table, so who am I to argue.
Of course it would be nice if we could pencil into the budget some way for me to walk away from the film when it is done with a brand new Red Camera, but hey, that’s just a $17,000 suggestion.
What happens to project when a ‘name’ actor shows interest is interesting in itself. Now all the sudden you start ‘dream casting’ the other part. A Fantasy Film League, as it were. Steve Carrell would be perfect for the second lead, and he just lives down the street from me, so I send him a note.
Academy Award winner Chris Cooper would be perfect as the heavy. I performed at a couple of fund raisers for his Jessie Cooper Foundation and his wife Maryanne is really nice person, so I sent him a note.
My new producer suggested Evan Rachel Wood for the female lead. I really liked her in THE UP SIDE OF ANGER, LIFE BEFORE HER EYES and the 35 minutes of ACROSS THE UNIVERSE that I could stand to sit through, so; although she doesn’t live near me and I don’t recall ever having spoken to her before, I’ll have to try to get in touch with her too. Why not?
There is another part that would be perfect for my old friend Patty Ross. I’ve got her phone number around here somewhere, so once when have a shooting schedule, calls will be made.
See, it’s easy to cast a motion picture. Of course, I haven’t heard back from Carrell or Cooper yet, and still haven’t talked to Wood, but I found Patty’s number. That’s a start.
I did email and old friend that runs a casting agency to find out what it cost to run auditions in Boston for 10 characters. She gave me the ballpark and after I pulled my jaw back off the floor, I told her I’d pass the numbers along to my producer.
But she also told me something that depressed the hell out of me. She said it has been her experience that I’d still have to do some of the casting out of New York if I wanted the best cast I could get. I refuse to believe there isn’t enough home grown, natural talent in the Boston area to cast this movie, even if Carrell and Cooper let me down.
In fact, I vow right now to only cast ‘Boston Actors’ in this film, just to prove it can be done… With the exception of Evan Rachel Wood. She gets grandfathered in because her name was brought up before I got on my high horse… And I want my friend Jack, who lives in New York to be in it because he taught most everything I know about acting, for good or bad…. But that’s it.
Now I’m running through my mind all the actors I know from around here. This could be hard, but not impossible. In fact, I’ll put a call into Mike O’Malley right now. He’s Hollywood these days, but still a local boy at heart. He’s be great in one of the parts… Damn, voice mail. I’ll try again later.
Because I’m still trying to keep this as skin and bones on the budget as I can, it was written to be shot at two major locations. Tomorrow I’ll head out to Plymouth, MA to scout those locations.
Allegedly they are going to build some huge film studio in Plymouth in a couple of years. I’ve seen THE MUSIC MAN once too often to actually buy into that, but it has got the area thinking that they are going to become Hollywood East, and so right now they are very friendly to film makers. This will all change once they’ve been burnt once or twice by scum bag production managers, but right now it clean slate.
I’ll let you know how that turns out.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
DOES OSCAR MAKE YOU STUPID?
Let us consider the facts for one moment:
Way back in 1929 Janet Gaynor won the first Oscar for Best Actress, she ended her career playing Violet Hooper on THE LOVE BOAT. Sure, she managed to sneak in A STAR IS BORN and STATE FAIR, but let’s face it; she ended her career playing Violet Hooper on THE LOVE BOAT.
Of course, no one really gives a rat’s ass about old movie stars anymore, so let’s look at just the past ten years, shant we?
Last year Javier Bardem won Best Actor honors for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, he followed that up with LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA, a romantic ‘drama’ that was so boring it had you rooting for Cholera to win half way through, and then the vapid Woody Allen travelogue VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA. However, English is not Javier’s first language, so maybe whomever read him the scripts tricked him into thinking they were good.
Tilda Swinton gets the Best Actress award last year and then goes on to make THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON or FORREST GRAMPS as I like to call it. Of course, she also made BURN AFTER READING, so that one is a wash.
But let’s look at 2007: Forest Whitaker got jobbed out of an Oscar for 1988’s BIRD, so he gets his make good Oscar for THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND and then disappears up his own ass with THE AIR I BREATHE, RIPPLE EFFECT and THE GREAT DEBATERS in 2007, VANTAGE POINT, STREET KINGS and WINGED CREATURES in 2008 and by 2009 he’s reduced to doing a voice on AMERICAN DAD.
2007 was also the year Helen Merrin won the Best Actress award for THE QUEEN and makes NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS as her Oscar turn follow up.
In 2006 Philip Seymour Hoffman follows his Oscar win for CAPOTE with MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III. Sure, it’s the best of the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies, but it’s still a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie!
2006 sees Reese Witherspoon ‘Minnie Pearl’ her way into an Oscar with WALK THE LINE and follow that up in short order with JUST LIKE HEAVEN, PENELOPE and RENDITION. Of course Witherspoon has had a lot of practice making bad choices after showing so much promise in ELECTION, so it came as no shock; but how do you explain Jamie Foxx?
2005 Foxx shocks the world by actually being pretty good in RAY and picking up an Academy Award for his own bad self. Then, as quick as you can say ‘Tookie Williams’, Foxx goes out and makes STEALTH, MIAMI VICE, THE KINGDOM and who can’t say THE SOLOIST doesn’t look like a huge pile of self-congratulatory crap?
Hillary Swank, 2005’s Best Actress for MILLION DOLLAR BABY, almost escaped unharmed, but THE BLACK DAHLIA should have been a lot better and did anyone actually see P.S. I LOVE YOU?
2004 Sean Penn climbs on my shoulders for an Oscar win MYSTIC RIVER. 2009 he’s playing Larry Fine in THE THREE STOOGES movie. It’s also the year Charlize Theron is honored for looking like the before picture in a ProActive commercial in MONSTER and then pounded out THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS, HEAD IN THE CLOUDS, AEON FLUX, IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH, BATTLE IN SEATTLE and HANCOCK.
Had the lessons of Adrien Brody and Nicole Kidman been lost on all of them? 2003: Brody wins for THE PIANIST and Kidman wins for THE HOURS. Brody follows up with THE SINGING DETECTIVE, THE VILLAGE, THE JACKET and KING KONG. Not to be out done, Kidman answers with DOGVILLE, COLD MOUNTAIN, THE STEPFORD WIVES, BEWITCHED and AUSTRALIA (there’s more, but I feel sorry for Nicole because her marriage is sham, so I won’t rub them in).
2002: Denzel Washington makes an Oscar with TRAINING DAY. Perhaps they should have had an extra couple hours of training where they taught him how to read a script before say ‘yes‘, then we might have spared JOHN Q, THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, INSIDE MAN I & II, DÉJÀ VU and AMERICAN GANGSTER.
It was also the year Halle Berry got the pity Oscar for having to have sex with Billy Bob Thornton in MONSTER’S BALL. What did she follow up with? GOTHIKA and CATWOMAN. Shocking that she didn’t repeat the win.
It goes on and on. Kevin “K-PAX” Spacey, Susan “THE BANGER SISTERS” Sarandon, Helen “PAY IT FORWARD” Hunt, CUBA “EVERYTHING ELSE HE’S EVER MADE” Gooding Jr. (to be fair, Gooding was only a Supporting Actor winner, but he has made so many bad movies since the win I just had to bring him up here).
We are really left with just two possible conclusions: the people who vote on the Academy Awards really have no idea what they are doing, or winning an Oscar makes you stupid. I prefer to think the later. We’ve all got phony baloney jobs to protect after all.
Way back in 1929 Janet Gaynor won the first Oscar for Best Actress, she ended her career playing Violet Hooper on THE LOVE BOAT. Sure, she managed to sneak in A STAR IS BORN and STATE FAIR, but let’s face it; she ended her career playing Violet Hooper on THE LOVE BOAT.
Of course, no one really gives a rat’s ass about old movie stars anymore, so let’s look at just the past ten years, shant we?
Last year Javier Bardem won Best Actor honors for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, he followed that up with LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA, a romantic ‘drama’ that was so boring it had you rooting for Cholera to win half way through, and then the vapid Woody Allen travelogue VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA. However, English is not Javier’s first language, so maybe whomever read him the scripts tricked him into thinking they were good.
Tilda Swinton gets the Best Actress award last year and then goes on to make THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON or FORREST GRAMPS as I like to call it. Of course, she also made BURN AFTER READING, so that one is a wash.
But let’s look at 2007: Forest Whitaker got jobbed out of an Oscar for 1988’s BIRD, so he gets his make good Oscar for THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND and then disappears up his own ass with THE AIR I BREATHE, RIPPLE EFFECT and THE GREAT DEBATERS in 2007, VANTAGE POINT, STREET KINGS and WINGED CREATURES in 2008 and by 2009 he’s reduced to doing a voice on AMERICAN DAD.
2007 was also the year Helen Merrin won the Best Actress award for THE QUEEN and makes NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS as her Oscar turn follow up.
In 2006 Philip Seymour Hoffman follows his Oscar win for CAPOTE with MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III. Sure, it’s the best of the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies, but it’s still a MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie!
2006 sees Reese Witherspoon ‘Minnie Pearl’ her way into an Oscar with WALK THE LINE and follow that up in short order with JUST LIKE HEAVEN, PENELOPE and RENDITION. Of course Witherspoon has had a lot of practice making bad choices after showing so much promise in ELECTION, so it came as no shock; but how do you explain Jamie Foxx?
2005 Foxx shocks the world by actually being pretty good in RAY and picking up an Academy Award for his own bad self. Then, as quick as you can say ‘Tookie Williams’, Foxx goes out and makes STEALTH, MIAMI VICE, THE KINGDOM and who can’t say THE SOLOIST doesn’t look like a huge pile of self-congratulatory crap?
Hillary Swank, 2005’s Best Actress for MILLION DOLLAR BABY, almost escaped unharmed, but THE BLACK DAHLIA should have been a lot better and did anyone actually see P.S. I LOVE YOU?
2004 Sean Penn climbs on my shoulders for an Oscar win MYSTIC RIVER. 2009 he’s playing Larry Fine in THE THREE STOOGES movie. It’s also the year Charlize Theron is honored for looking like the before picture in a ProActive commercial in MONSTER and then pounded out THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS, HEAD IN THE CLOUDS, AEON FLUX, IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH, BATTLE IN SEATTLE and HANCOCK.
Had the lessons of Adrien Brody and Nicole Kidman been lost on all of them? 2003: Brody wins for THE PIANIST and Kidman wins for THE HOURS. Brody follows up with THE SINGING DETECTIVE, THE VILLAGE, THE JACKET and KING KONG. Not to be out done, Kidman answers with DOGVILLE, COLD MOUNTAIN, THE STEPFORD WIVES, BEWITCHED and AUSTRALIA (there’s more, but I feel sorry for Nicole because her marriage is sham, so I won’t rub them in).
2002: Denzel Washington makes an Oscar with TRAINING DAY. Perhaps they should have had an extra couple hours of training where they taught him how to read a script before say ‘yes‘, then we might have spared JOHN Q, THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, INSIDE MAN I & II, DÉJÀ VU and AMERICAN GANGSTER.
It was also the year Halle Berry got the pity Oscar for having to have sex with Billy Bob Thornton in MONSTER’S BALL. What did she follow up with? GOTHIKA and CATWOMAN. Shocking that she didn’t repeat the win.
It goes on and on. Kevin “K-PAX” Spacey, Susan “THE BANGER SISTERS” Sarandon, Helen “PAY IT FORWARD” Hunt, CUBA “EVERYTHING ELSE HE’S EVER MADE” Gooding Jr. (to be fair, Gooding was only a Supporting Actor winner, but he has made so many bad movies since the win I just had to bring him up here).
We are really left with just two possible conclusions: the people who vote on the Academy Awards really have no idea what they are doing, or winning an Oscar makes you stupid. I prefer to think the later. We’ve all got phony baloney jobs to protect after all.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Still More Precitions Come True
Still more of my chillingly accurate predictions for this year have already come true:
I predicted that Michael Phelps would get his nipple caught in the wringer of fame, and look; he gets busted taking bong hits in South Carolina. Now that shouldn’t be a big deal. We’ve got a president that freely admits that he used to do coke back in the day, but Kellogg’s is talking about dropping Phelps as a spokes model, just be cause he smokes a little pot. Kellogg’s!
Stop me if I’m wrong, but 60 to 70% of the cereal in this country is eaten by stoners. Kellogg’s shouldn’t be dumping him. They should move him off the Corn Flakes box and stick him on something good like Coco Crispies.
In fact, it’s high time Kellogg’s got a little edgier with their ads. Stick Phelps in his little fey Speedo with a huge Rastafarian wigs on, sucking off a huge pipe made out of the skull of Amy Winehouse on the front of a box of Apple Jacks.
Aim right for their P1 demographic. How about a nice picture of Robert Downey, Jr., his pants caked in vomit, the phone number of pre-op tranny craved into his arm, mistakenly passed out in the bed of his neighbor’s 10 year-old daughter on the front of box of Mini Wheat’s.
Take that lame ass frog off the front of the Honey Smacks box and throw a shot of Lou Diamond Phillips, hiding in the bushes, waiting to OJ jump his ex-wife and Melisa Etherege as they come out of their Lamaze class… Alright, maybe I’ve gone overboard here, but you get the idea.
Now another one of my predictions was that our esteemed Governor, Duval Patrick, much like the Ground Hog, would stick his furry little head out this February and do something asinine, and look; just the other day Gov. Patrick announces he wants a tax on Candy, Booze and Juice Boxes… Candy, Booze and Juice Boxes? You know, it’s a good thing Michael Jackson doesn’t live in Massachusetts, because he’s already have fanatical problems and if he lived here the price of his typical Saturday afternoons in the park just went through the roof!
Hey, every other gaggle of worthless crap in America has an advocacy group; who’s looking out for the pedophiles?… I mean besides the Pope. You know? When FBI digs up your back yard with earth movers to look for bodies, they don’t put the dirt. You have to do that yourself… I’m told.
Another of my predictions came to fruition this week as well. Last year I predicted that not only would Obama win, but he would lead the charge for the international douch-a-fication of America, and what happens this week? Iran announces that they are sending a weapons satellite into space, so the Obama Administration responds by announcing they are sending the US Badminton Team to Iran. That’s true. The US Badminton Team is going to Iran. That’ll fix their little red wagon.
Actually, I can see what he’s doing here. Rather than take some the macho George Bush approach, and start bomb them back to the Stone Age (not a long trip, I might add), Obama figures if he shows our enemies what a huge bunch of douche bags Americans really are, they’ll figure we’re not worth the bother and just leave us alone.
Iran put in place the technology to rain death down from above and we respond with freshly scrubbed co-eds that serve a mean shuttlecock. And if North Korea wants to jump ugly with us, let’s just unleash our Mathletes on their shores to show them what for.
And I pity poor Iraq. Our troops are going to be withdrawn, but Obama is giving serious consideration to replacing them with a wicked good Dungeons and Dragons squad and if that does prove to the world what a bunch of douche bags we are, he’ll unleash his Ace in the Hole: a legion of self-important, smug face book bloggers with nothing better to do with their time and run their greasy, type 2 diabetes swollen fingers over their keyboards, humping prose no one will bother to read. That’ll show ‘em.
Christian Bale was right, stay the fuck out of my sight line, would ya?
I predicted that Michael Phelps would get his nipple caught in the wringer of fame, and look; he gets busted taking bong hits in South Carolina. Now that shouldn’t be a big deal. We’ve got a president that freely admits that he used to do coke back in the day, but Kellogg’s is talking about dropping Phelps as a spokes model, just be cause he smokes a little pot. Kellogg’s!
Stop me if I’m wrong, but 60 to 70% of the cereal in this country is eaten by stoners. Kellogg’s shouldn’t be dumping him. They should move him off the Corn Flakes box and stick him on something good like Coco Crispies.
In fact, it’s high time Kellogg’s got a little edgier with their ads. Stick Phelps in his little fey Speedo with a huge Rastafarian wigs on, sucking off a huge pipe made out of the skull of Amy Winehouse on the front of a box of Apple Jacks.
Aim right for their P1 demographic. How about a nice picture of Robert Downey, Jr., his pants caked in vomit, the phone number of pre-op tranny craved into his arm, mistakenly passed out in the bed of his neighbor’s 10 year-old daughter on the front of box of Mini Wheat’s.
Take that lame ass frog off the front of the Honey Smacks box and throw a shot of Lou Diamond Phillips, hiding in the bushes, waiting to OJ jump his ex-wife and Melisa Etherege as they come out of their Lamaze class… Alright, maybe I’ve gone overboard here, but you get the idea.
Now another one of my predictions was that our esteemed Governor, Duval Patrick, much like the Ground Hog, would stick his furry little head out this February and do something asinine, and look; just the other day Gov. Patrick announces he wants a tax on Candy, Booze and Juice Boxes… Candy, Booze and Juice Boxes? You know, it’s a good thing Michael Jackson doesn’t live in Massachusetts, because he’s already have fanatical problems and if he lived here the price of his typical Saturday afternoons in the park just went through the roof!
Hey, every other gaggle of worthless crap in America has an advocacy group; who’s looking out for the pedophiles?… I mean besides the Pope. You know? When FBI digs up your back yard with earth movers to look for bodies, they don’t put the dirt. You have to do that yourself… I’m told.
Another of my predictions came to fruition this week as well. Last year I predicted that not only would Obama win, but he would lead the charge for the international douch-a-fication of America, and what happens this week? Iran announces that they are sending a weapons satellite into space, so the Obama Administration responds by announcing they are sending the US Badminton Team to Iran. That’s true. The US Badminton Team is going to Iran. That’ll fix their little red wagon.
Actually, I can see what he’s doing here. Rather than take some the macho George Bush approach, and start bomb them back to the Stone Age (not a long trip, I might add), Obama figures if he shows our enemies what a huge bunch of douche bags Americans really are, they’ll figure we’re not worth the bother and just leave us alone.
Iran put in place the technology to rain death down from above and we respond with freshly scrubbed co-eds that serve a mean shuttlecock. And if North Korea wants to jump ugly with us, let’s just unleash our Mathletes on their shores to show them what for.
And I pity poor Iraq. Our troops are going to be withdrawn, but Obama is giving serious consideration to replacing them with a wicked good Dungeons and Dragons squad and if that does prove to the world what a bunch of douche bags we are, he’ll unleash his Ace in the Hole: a legion of self-important, smug face book bloggers with nothing better to do with their time and run their greasy, type 2 diabetes swollen fingers over their keyboards, humping prose no one will bother to read. That’ll show ‘em.
Christian Bale was right, stay the fuck out of my sight line, would ya?
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