JARED THE WONDER HORSE

 Jared was getting lippy. He was like that when he was under stress. The Donald was not happy. First Jared scored a seven-figure book deal for a warts only ‘tell-all’ without The Donald’s blessing and now the Rubes were starting to ask too many questions ahead of the mid-terms. Frankly, Jared The Wonder Horse hadn’t brought a lot to the table lately.

This new speech in front of the gathering of tribe in Texas could be a major turning point. Jared tapped the pages I had handed him with one of his dry, cracked, bleeding fingers and sucked his strain swollen lower lip.

   “Hmmm,” was the best he could offer. Ten minute earlier his wife had been reduced to tears before she even got through page one of my poetry, and that was a feat. Ivanka’s tear ducts had been permanently fused shut after a rhinoplasty mishap in 2005 and the salty water had to go somewhere. Unfortunately for her, it drained into her sinuses and out her nose, washing out, not only her emotional response to the speech, but over $1,000 worth of pharmaceutical grade cocaine.

Ivanka shoveled the tears into her mouth with a slurp and ran from the room mumbling something about how she should have married Tom Brady when she had the chance.

These had been good days for Jared, watching his old nemesis Steve Bannon slowly roast of a spit, Chris Christie lay in a New Jersey hospital bed attached to  machines that would breath for him and maintain a constant flow of KFC gravy directly into his blood stream, and John Kelly was reportedly chained in a dank cell under the Mukhabarat compound on the Balad Air Base awaiting trail on charges that he removed the tongues of several Iraqi laborers without making the proper bribes. All of Jared’s enemies had been driven before him. These should be his ascendancy.

But The Donald wasn’t happy, and at the end of the day that was Jared’s only job. Jump for a peanut, Gracie. The emperor needs a laugh.

   “Maybe you could put in more references to sodomy?” Jared half asked, handing the pages back to me.

   “I could, but your father-in-law specifically said no more of fan fiction from you,” I said.

   “I see… I see..” he mumbled and started thumbing the copy of a graphic novel he kept on his desk. Bone, I believe. “Maybe if you read it out loud to me…?”

I cleared my throat and waited for the clatter of Ivanka throwing a hand cream jar at her domestic in the next room to subside.

   “People, people, people… Keep it down” The speech started. The Donald Like to take a folksy approach to the open. “We gather here today not to discuss issues and ideas. I’m just here to gin you up with some select passages from the bible, a book none of you have read, but a few have seen the movie, so here we go:

   “Matthew 5. And seeing the multitudes, he went to the tractor pull, climb atop the Monster Truck, his disciples came to unto him and he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

Blessed are the half-witted: for theirs is something good, I just can tell you about it yet.

Blessed are they that mourn: for we shall drink the wine of revenge from goblets made of the skulls of those who offended them.

Blessed are the Skull Goblet makers: for their wares are available at TrumpStuff.com, and at a good and fair price.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for the concession stands at the back of the hall are now open.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for their name is Trump. Am I right? Have you ever seen anything like this, folks? CNN? More like C U Later, am I right?

Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and mock you for your Maga Hat, and your Trump Store Summer Collection, including a Chenille Crew Neck available in Blue or White, priced to move at $110, Sand Printing Trump Rubber Flip Flops, a steal at $45, and here’s a tip, save that little plastic clip from your bread bags and use it to hold that part of the flip flop that goes between your toes when it pops through the shoe after the first time you wear them, and Trump Stripped Beach Towels, $65 today only. No ‘prison stripe’ jokes, please, I’ve heard them all…

Remember, agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him. It will throw he off balance and he’ll never see the knife coming when you plunge it in his short ribs.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery, but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart… and if you’ve already committed adultery in your heart, what can it hurt to actually seal the deal? I am I right or am I right?

Ye of faith have heard it hath been said. Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement, but I say, should your ex-wife pass before you, bury her at one of your golf courses so your buddies can walk past her grave on the way to the 10^th Tee Box and said, ‘I wonder what’s par for that hole?”

Be ye therefore perfect. The most perfect, beautiful, thing… And that’s when the chant of Four More Years to start…”

 

Jared, his nose in the graphic novel at this point, waved his free hand in the air and said, “Sounds good. Get that to CPAC in Texas ASAP, and ask Ivanka if she’s seen my Neosporin Chap Stick”.