Much like reading tea leaves, I was reading tea bags this morning (no, a perfectly innocent flat tire did not make necessary a stop at a rest area off Rt. 3, leading to a wacky comedy of errors of Eddie Murphy proportions) and some very alarming new prediction/visions:
Because he didn’t get enough crazy from his time with Madonna, Sean Penn will start dating Lindsey Lohan.
Scott Weiland will OD before summer.
Trendy jackass Jann Wenner will suffer a near fatal accident on the slopes of Sun Valley. One of the many soon to be jobless staffers at Men’s Journal will be to blame.
First and foremost on Obama’s transition team’s plate: delaying the mandatory switch to digital-TV single change because three morons in Crib Death, Iowa still haven’t gotten their Government Coupons to pay for the conversion boxes. I guess they want to start with tackling the big problems first.
If the revival of HAIR makes it to Broadway, it will stink up the joint worst than Criss Angel’s BELIEVE is fouling Vegas.
DOUBT, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD and THE READER, despite massive campaigning by their studios, will all get stiffed by the Oscars, at least for Best Picture and Director Honors.
Brian Westbrook gets hurt and the dog-ass Giants beat the Eagles this weekend.
John Smoltz will spend less time in the Red Sox’s starting rotation than Jeremy Previn did on Broadway.
Convicted felon Tom Finneran will not get a pardon from outgoing President George Bush, mostly because he has former Governor Jane Swift vouching for his integrity, which is kind of like asking Bernie Madoff to watch your change on the bar while you go take a leak.
The Christian Science Monitor will stop printing their little tabloid and go completely on-line within two months to save money. It will be revealed that the hobby paper would have folded last year if it weren’t for all the money they save on health care… See, ‘cause as Christian Scientist they just let their sick and infirmed die rather than take care of them.
A drunken Bob Lobel (redundant, I know) will get fired from his new TV gig on DIRTY WATER TV for repeatedly trying to get his current mistress into the background of their live shots.
Howie Mandel’s HOWIE DO IT Candid Camera rip-off will get busted for using more bogus stooges, plants and actors pretending to be ‘folks on the street’ than a Criss Angel Special.
SHERLOCK HOLMES will be the latest Guy Ritchie-directed flop. The filming of IRON MAN II will be delayed because, depressed over the rudderless HOLMES flick, Robert Downey, Jr. will go on a bender of Robert Mitchum/Robert Shaw proportions.
Ashley Olsen of Mary Kate and Ashley fame will become deathly ill. Not drugs, anorexia or AIDS, like you’d think, but ecoli.
Michael Jordan’s 24th basketball shoe, the $190 Air Jordan 2009, will tank harder than his career as a baseball player or his dad’s luck at the track.
And sadly, capitalism as we know it will cease to exist in less than two weeks!
At least that’s the way I see it.
Lance, as always...you outdid yourself, Nostrodomus or however the F..you spell~it couldn't have done better! KEEP ME SMILING!
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