Sometimes they come in a dream. Sometimes a flash of inspiration. At times, after quiet reflection over a cup of coffee:
After early curiosity wains, an emaciated Patrick Swayze will just be a bit too hard for viewers to believe as an action hero and THE BEAST will tank in the ratings. This is especially bad news for TNT as they are rushing to get a second season in the can before he kicks. On the up side, ratings will spike the week he kicks, so they go that going for them.
After years of being out of the top ten, Chlamydia will make a big comeback this year among the American teens.
Human rights advocates will have kittens as soon as we learn in the next month that Ex-Gitmo detainees were implanted with micro chips to track their movements after release. The upside is this catch and release program will lead to the ferreting out of many terror cells.
Bernie Madoff will never spend any real time in prison as he will be killed by the Russian mob before he even gets to trial.
Jon Stewart’s 4 year-old son Nathan will be crushed by the Knick’s Quentin Richardson as the basketball player dives into the courtside seats for a loose ball. The normally agile Richardson will be off his game and a tad despondent over his former ‘Roommate’, Eddie Curry’s, legal troubles and public outing.
Newly married Fergie will start packing on the pounds, a la Delta ‘Airlines’ Burke.
Kate Hudson will make Denise Richards look demure by comparison as she desperately tries to prove very public ally to anyone who will look that she is still sexy. It will get so bad a social service agency will look into removing her son from the home.
One of Jennifer Aninston’s household staff, more than likely her full-time message therapist, will sell a very shocking tell-all story to a tabloid in the next couple of months.
And as the year catches up with her, the world will discover that not only can’t she act, but Scarlett Johansson really isn’t that much to look at either.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Predictions Made On 1/09/09
Much like reading tea leaves, I was reading tea bags this morning (no, a perfectly innocent flat tire did not make necessary a stop at a rest area off Rt. 3, leading to a wacky comedy of errors of Eddie Murphy proportions) and some very alarming new prediction/visions:
Because he didn’t get enough crazy from his time with Madonna, Sean Penn will start dating Lindsey Lohan.
Scott Weiland will OD before summer.
Trendy jackass Jann Wenner will suffer a near fatal accident on the slopes of Sun Valley. One of the many soon to be jobless staffers at Men’s Journal will be to blame.
First and foremost on Obama’s transition team’s plate: delaying the mandatory switch to digital-TV single change because three morons in Crib Death, Iowa still haven’t gotten their Government Coupons to pay for the conversion boxes. I guess they want to start with tackling the big problems first.
If the revival of HAIR makes it to Broadway, it will stink up the joint worst than Criss Angel’s BELIEVE is fouling Vegas.
DOUBT, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD and THE READER, despite massive campaigning by their studios, will all get stiffed by the Oscars, at least for Best Picture and Director Honors.
Brian Westbrook gets hurt and the dog-ass Giants beat the Eagles this weekend.
John Smoltz will spend less time in the Red Sox’s starting rotation than Jeremy Previn did on Broadway.
Convicted felon Tom Finneran will not get a pardon from outgoing President George Bush, mostly because he has former Governor Jane Swift vouching for his integrity, which is kind of like asking Bernie Madoff to watch your change on the bar while you go take a leak.
The Christian Science Monitor will stop printing their little tabloid and go completely on-line within two months to save money. It will be revealed that the hobby paper would have folded last year if it weren’t for all the money they save on health care… See, ‘cause as Christian Scientist they just let their sick and infirmed die rather than take care of them.
A drunken Bob Lobel (redundant, I know) will get fired from his new TV gig on DIRTY WATER TV for repeatedly trying to get his current mistress into the background of their live shots.
Howie Mandel’s HOWIE DO IT Candid Camera rip-off will get busted for using more bogus stooges, plants and actors pretending to be ‘folks on the street’ than a Criss Angel Special.
SHERLOCK HOLMES will be the latest Guy Ritchie-directed flop. The filming of IRON MAN II will be delayed because, depressed over the rudderless HOLMES flick, Robert Downey, Jr. will go on a bender of Robert Mitchum/Robert Shaw proportions.
Ashley Olsen of Mary Kate and Ashley fame will become deathly ill. Not drugs, anorexia or AIDS, like you’d think, but ecoli.
Michael Jordan’s 24th basketball shoe, the $190 Air Jordan 2009, will tank harder than his career as a baseball player or his dad’s luck at the track.
And sadly, capitalism as we know it will cease to exist in less than two weeks!
At least that’s the way I see it.
Because he didn’t get enough crazy from his time with Madonna, Sean Penn will start dating Lindsey Lohan.
Scott Weiland will OD before summer.
Trendy jackass Jann Wenner will suffer a near fatal accident on the slopes of Sun Valley. One of the many soon to be jobless staffers at Men’s Journal will be to blame.
First and foremost on Obama’s transition team’s plate: delaying the mandatory switch to digital-TV single change because three morons in Crib Death, Iowa still haven’t gotten their Government Coupons to pay for the conversion boxes. I guess they want to start with tackling the big problems first.
If the revival of HAIR makes it to Broadway, it will stink up the joint worst than Criss Angel’s BELIEVE is fouling Vegas.
DOUBT, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD and THE READER, despite massive campaigning by their studios, will all get stiffed by the Oscars, at least for Best Picture and Director Honors.
Brian Westbrook gets hurt and the dog-ass Giants beat the Eagles this weekend.
John Smoltz will spend less time in the Red Sox’s starting rotation than Jeremy Previn did on Broadway.
Convicted felon Tom Finneran will not get a pardon from outgoing President George Bush, mostly because he has former Governor Jane Swift vouching for his integrity, which is kind of like asking Bernie Madoff to watch your change on the bar while you go take a leak.
The Christian Science Monitor will stop printing their little tabloid and go completely on-line within two months to save money. It will be revealed that the hobby paper would have folded last year if it weren’t for all the money they save on health care… See, ‘cause as Christian Scientist they just let their sick and infirmed die rather than take care of them.
A drunken Bob Lobel (redundant, I know) will get fired from his new TV gig on DIRTY WATER TV for repeatedly trying to get his current mistress into the background of their live shots.
Howie Mandel’s HOWIE DO IT Candid Camera rip-off will get busted for using more bogus stooges, plants and actors pretending to be ‘folks on the street’ than a Criss Angel Special.
SHERLOCK HOLMES will be the latest Guy Ritchie-directed flop. The filming of IRON MAN II will be delayed because, depressed over the rudderless HOLMES flick, Robert Downey, Jr. will go on a bender of Robert Mitchum/Robert Shaw proportions.
Ashley Olsen of Mary Kate and Ashley fame will become deathly ill. Not drugs, anorexia or AIDS, like you’d think, but ecoli.
Michael Jordan’s 24th basketball shoe, the $190 Air Jordan 2009, will tank harder than his career as a baseball player or his dad’s luck at the track.
And sadly, capitalism as we know it will cease to exist in less than two weeks!
At least that’s the way I see it.
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